Molly Bear

It was a really rough morning. By noon I was done being a mom, and wanted to just give up (not sure how I would do that, but it's how I felt). I was completely exhausted after running Kaylee to preschool and picking up some cat and rabbit food at the store.....whilst toting the twins. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically even though I had had a pretty good night of sleep. Nothing was going right until I decided to go check the mail.....because the mail man had shoved a huge box in it, but it looked like it would fall out any minute. I walked out there mentally cursing the mail man for not just leaving it on the doorstep. When I looked at the box my heart leaped and my bad mood instantly disappeared. It was from "Molly Bears"

Let me back up a little bit. Last year, probably around the end of August, right after losing Cadence, I heard about this group who makes weighted teddy bears for moms who have lost babies. They make and ship these bears at no cost to the moms at all. I immediately signed up for one, knowing that it could take several months to get the bear because hundreds upon hundreds of bears are requested every month. After I signed up I forgot about it. Until I looked at that package. I almost ripped it open right there in the snow in front of the mail box, but seeing as I was in my pajamas (don't judge, it was a BAD morning) I ran inside. Inside the box was a beautiful bear weighing exactly 3 lbs 11 oz.

It is so beautiful! I don't remember if I mentioned anything about Cadence's color being light purple (that exact shade!!) or about her nursery being decorated with purple butterflies. If I didn't tell them any of that they were truly inspired when they made this bear for me. I had no idea how much this bear would touch me! I love everything about it, especially that it is weighted. I don't want to put it down!

Anyone who has lost a baby, even a very tiny one, should consider signing up to get a Molly Bear. It is so comforting to have something special to remind you of your little one. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, please direct them to the Molly Bear webside (linked above). If you are the donating type and need a good cause, this is a very good one. They run 100% on donations.

Cadence's Day

I have sat down dozens of times to try to write this post. Part of me doesn't even want to write it. I feel like I might be judged for how I am feeling. Because, honestly, I was not sad on her birthday!

Happy 1 year birthday to our little angel Cadence McKenzie!!

Did I feel little twinges of sadness that we don't have a little girl turning one and having a party? Yes, but those moments were immediately swept away by the firm knowledge I have that she was not meant to stay on earth. I spent the day thinking of her and of the day we were having a year ago when she came into our lives. Even then, we weren't desperately heartbroken as so many couples/women/families that I have heard about who have gone through this same kind of loss. We talked, laughed, and processed everything that was happening. We talked immediately of the future and more children. Yes, it was a sad, difficult day, but it was not something we look back on with sadness. Instead, we love the memory we have of our short time with her, and we are looking forward to the future when we get to see her again.

On Cadence's day, I was busy with so many things. I didn't think about her all day long. I went about our normal routine and that evening when we finally had time, Robert, Kaylee, and I took some flowers and a birthday cupcake up to her grave and sang happy birthday to her. It was super windy, but the candle stayed lit long enough to get through most of the song, and then we lit it again so Kaylee could blow it out. We took the little cake home and Kaylee got to eat it for dinner.

Her little spot with flowers and her birthday cupcake. My only sadness for the day was the fact that we don't have her headstone in yet. It will come, but it was hard not having it for her birthday.

This picture took about 10 tries before we got it. She couldn't keep her eyes off the cake so every shot had her eyes closed with a great smile. By the time I caught her eyes in a picture, her smile was getting tired. She was happy to be there though!

From the cemetery I went to a girls night out with some very good friends. One of those friends thought to bring a bunch of purple balloons for us to release together in remembrance of Cadence. It was wonderful!

Balloons in exactly the right color

All my beautiful friends

Happy Birthday Cadence!!

It was such a beautiful day!

In other news.....

Cadence would have turned 7 months old yesterday!!!

It shocks me every time I calculate how old our little girl would be. I count from the day she was born, not from her due date. I have actually been grateful the past couple months that I have missed her month day. What I mean by that is that I don't realize on the 3rd that it would have been a month-day for her if she were here. For the first 3 or 4 months I had horrible days on the 3rd of each month. Sometimes I wouldn't realize for most of the day that is was her month-day, but I am sure that it was the reason for my bad days.

I love when we pass a month-day and I realize later than it was a good day and I wasn't being affected subconsciously by her death.

Anyways, I am rambling! I can not believe it has been over half a year since we held our little angel. At the same time, I can't believe just how ok I am about it. Yes, it still hurts, but I am good and happy 90% of the time, even when I am thinking about her. Thinking about her makes me smile rather than making me sad. That being said, I bawled my eyes out in church today when I mentioned her; I couldn't even finish whatever comment I was trying to make to add to the lesson.....I hate crying in front of people! Now everyone at church is probably terrified to ask me about what happened and I hate that because I really am ok talking about her! Stupid emotions lol!

I love this picture! I love her little ear. The hat wasn't pushing her ear down, it was just like that. I have an ultrasound picture of that same ear. It was the one ultrasound picture that ever made me wonder if she did in fact have Down syndrome. Many Ds babies have similar ears. Thank you Heidi again for taking such wonderful pictures of our Angel!

Day 31

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your angel and your grief?

Yes I do. I am not sure if my family and friends have been reading my blog much this month, but am happy I had the opportunity to write about her. It will be interesting to look back and see how my thoughts and feelings change as my grief process progresses.

I love you Cadence! I am so happy to have dedicated 31 days of this blog to you!

Day 29

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your Angel is? Will you see each other again?

She is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. For reasons I wont go into on this blog I feel that her spirit wasn't supposed to be part of our earthly family right now. I do believe she is part of our spiritual family, however that may work out in the next life.

I will see her again! That is one thing that has made this grieving process "easier" for me. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I will get to see my little girl again. She will be with me for eternity, and I can't wait for that. As much as I miss her, she will be with us forever!

Day 26

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?


Today was a 9 or 10 day! Kaylee and I are in the middle of potty training, so that kept my mind pretty busy.

Day 25

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?


I think I have actually handled them pretty well so far. I thought the one month anniversary was going to be really hard. I was at a dog agility trial (competition), around a bunch of people who knew I had been pregnant. Luckily, I only had to explain a couple times what had happened, and it ended up being a good day with only a few tears.


Hopefully her anniversaries continue to be days when I can think of her, and be happy for the small amount of time she was in our lives.

Day 24

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

The only anniversaries I have had so far are every 3rd of the month, and her due date. It reminds me how old Cadence would have been. We are coming up on 3 months, and that seems crazy. I don't really prepare for them, but I am conscious of the fact that they are coming up. I am sure I will prepare somehow for her Angelversary next August, as hard as that might be. Her due date will always be a happy day! That will forever be the day we became an eternal family.

Day 20

If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?


Anger......


If my rant about Hypnobabies was any indication, yes, I have anger. I can't exactly pinpoint yet exactly what I am angry about, but I am NOT angry at God. That is surprising, because it is the most common thing/person for a grieving person to be angry about/at. 


My anger comes and goes, and when it is here it is overwhelming and actually a bit scary for me. I never knew I could be that angry. Angry enough to want to just scream. Angry enough to run 3 miles straight (couldn't walk very well after that one). Angry from the second I wake up until I either work it out of me, or until I go to bed, or cry. Angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. So Angry that I worry myself and my husband. Angry enough to consider PTSD. 


The angry days seem to be lessening. Well, until this week that is. I have been angry off and on this week, but not for a whole day yet. Just so my family doesn't worry, I have been very good at keeping my anger to myself. I don't know if that is the healthiest way to deal with it, but I am careful to not let Kaylee feel my anger. Yes, my patience is a bit shorter on those days, but I don't get angry with her. I make a conscious effort to keep her "safe" from my anger.

Day 18

Have you found something that puts you at peace?


This is a hard one because, most of the time, I feel like I AM at peace. When I do feel like I am starting to spiral down into wallowing in the grief, I get active. Running has been wonderful for me during all of this. Some days, I have to almost force myself out the door because I know that once I get moving I will feel better. Exercise and sunshine is good for the soul!

Day 17

Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Yes! Actually, not as much as I did that first month, but I think she was staying especially close that first month as we prepared to go to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family. There were days back then when her presence was almost overwhelming she was so close. It was like that when I was pregnant with her. Her spirit was SO strong. I knew she was going to be someone very special. That spirit was so strong in the hospital and for weeks afterwords, that I felt like she was still here with me.


I feel her the closest at the temple. She is always there with me when I go. I feel her close when I am in her room, looking at her pictures, or sitting quietly remembering her. When I start to feel down and start wallowing in the grief and the 'un-fairness" of it all I feel her come to comfort me. I think she knows this is hard on us, and doesn't want me to be alone in grieving for her.


When we moved her on Saturday she was very close the whole day. In general though she hasn't been as close lately as she was before. It is sad, but I feel that she had things she is doing in heaven that are so important that she couldn't stay here on earth to be with us.

Day 16

Do you take time for yourself?

I do!! I have always tried to make time for myself once a week or so, and Robert is always wonderful about watching Kaylee while I do whatever. Mostly it has been dog agility and girls nights with my friends. Robert gets time for himself as well, and I think we are both better parents and spouses because of it.

Since Cadence was born I have been super motivated to get my body in better shape. Having people ask if you are pregnant just days after having to delivery your stillborn daughter is enough motivation for ANYONE to exercise and lose weight. Most days I exercise with Kaylee right along side of me. Sometimes I do it while she is sleeping, but mostly when she is awake. Kaylee LOVES when I jog with her in the stroller, so it makes it easier for me. I don't know how much I would run if she still hated her stroller like she did as a baby. So exercise has been a HUGE part of me taking time for myself.

Day 12

How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

There is a wide range of thoughts that were brought up with this question. First was, I don't know! I don't hesitate to bring Cadence up when I am around my family's, but we don't talk about the grief Robert and I are going through either. I can imagine that losing a future granddaughter, niece, and great-niece has been rough on them.

There are little things I have noticed when talking about Cadence. I have learned that not everyone wants, or is ready to look at pictures of our little angel. I understand also that most people have no idea what to say in this kind of situation. People don't want to trigger an intense emotional reaction from the parents.

One thing I am afraid of is that my family's will start pretending that it didn't happen.

Daniel, if you read this, I am really sorry we didn't get a picture of you holding Cadence! I wish we had.

Day 11

It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

These questions keep getting tougher to answer!

When I read today's question, I realized that Robert and I don't talk about how we are grieving much. Maybe that is ok for us, or maybe we are ignoring it.

We don't have a problem talking about Cadence and why we think she left or other particulars. We both seem to be accepting the loss pretty well, and have had a great amount of peace since the every beginning.

On the other hand we have basically agreed that as long as both of us are feeling like we are handling our grief ok we aren't going to talk about it. That may change with time, it may not.

The one, most important, thing we have agreed on is that we are not going to let this tear us apart as a couple or as a family. We are in it together.

Day 8

Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes, actually I DO! I usually have one or two tough days per week, but for the most part I am doing well. Sometimes I wonder though if I am in denial about what causes my bad moods. I can have a whole week where I am generally in a bad mood that doesn't seem to have a cause. I don't think about her more, or focus on how awful it is that she isn't here with us, but I am just generally unpleasant. I wonder sometimes if it is my subconscious taking over the grieving for me.

Day 4

Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Robert and Kaylee are the reasons I can still get up and live life every day. Also the knowledge that, if I am faithful to my covenants with our Heavenly Father, Robert, Kaylee, and I will be reunited as an eternal family after we die. Cadence's death was not the end of her life as our daughter! I don't have the choice to just lay down and quit. I have a responsibility to teach Kaylee what it is to have faith in eternal families. For me there was no other choice than to keep on keeping on! Life continues on, as much as that is painful and horrible, it is the truth. The only things that came screeching to a halt were my dreams for her in this life. If I quit, I don't deserve to have her for eternity!

Month Two

Yes, it has been two months..... I can't believe it.

Today was one of the harder days I have had. I am having major issues trying to sleep. This past week I am starting to wake up several times a night and last night I was up at least once an hour from 11:45 pm until morning. It. Was. Rough.

This month has been easier than last month in some ways and harder in others. I can't really explain it. One thing that is hard is seeing people going about their normal lives. It is odd to see everything around me going on, while I am still reeling from the crappiest thing ever. It is hard to admit that I am still having a hard time. Because most of the time I feel fine.

When I was pregnant with Cadence I had a bunch of friends and family who were due around the same time. I thought it would get easier once they all had had their babies and weren't pregnant anymore. Wrong! It has been really hard. I desperately want to be happy for them, congratulate them, cuddle their babies (why by-the-way did they ALL have to have girls??), and celebrate with them. I really really wanted to be able to do those things! Lately, just the thought of seeing them makes me tear up. Then I feel guilty and sorry for not being there for them like they were there for me. Ugh. My thoughts and emotions are all over the page about this part of grieving.

I am so glad I can still look at pictures of Cadence and remember her. I think I would really break down if those things were too hard to do. I find a lot of comfort in her room, her pictures, her things from the hospital, everything about her. We are finally getting her moved to a closer cemetery (long story that will be posted about once she is moved) in a week and a half. Then I will feel better about going to visit her grave. I don't think we will be able to get her headstone in until spring. What we want on it is going to cost a bit more than we have right now, and by the time we get the money it will be winter so we would have to wait until spring anyways. I am planning to make some sort of temporary marker for her until we get her headstone in.

It makes me nervous that things are getting a bit worse :( I really want to be good and be able to move on with life. I guess I have to let myself grieve.....

Day 3

Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?

My amazingly wonderful husband Robert has been my "rock" through this past two months. He has been there to support me and talk and cuddle when I need it most. He has taken over all the hard parts of burying a child, and was there to break the news to all of our family. I don't know if I would have made it through those first horrible days if I didn't have him to stand beside me. He is such a strong man, and I love him with all my heart. He is a wonderful husband and father.

My other rock would have to be my knowledge and faith in a loving Heavenly Father. I know this happened for a reason. If I didn't have the knowledge and faith that I have, I don't know where I would be now. It would have been too hard to not know where my little girl went and to not know if I would ever see her again. I KNOW I will see her again, and will get to be her mother in the next life.

One Month

I can't believe it has already been a month since Cadence was born. The time has gone so quickly it is amazing. I feel like it was yesterday sometimes.

I spent the day at an agility trial. It was good to have something to do other than sit around thinking about how terribly sad it is that our little Cadence isn't here with us.

This past week I have started feeling really ok about everything. I have sad moments, and some tears, but I generally feel happy about life. My trips to the temple have been very calming and each time I go I feel the peace that Robert and I both felt at the hospital when Cadence was born. I am sure that this was Heavenly Father's plan. As much as it is horrible and painful to go through, I feel that, for whatever reason, Cadence wasn't supposed to stay here on earth.

Next Friday will be hard. I have two friends and a cousin who are due around the same time I was and it is so hard to be happy for them. I want to, but it is hard.

Cheated

I feel so ^$%(@*# CHEATED!!  Sorry, I just had to get that out. I will try to keep this post as civil as possible, because I am feeling pretty angry lately. But my anger today is directed at my being cheated out of my birth plan.

I am so angry and frustrated that after being SO excited to use Hypnobabies for my birth, I didn't get to!! Yes, I used the techniques for part of my labor, and they worked wonderfully, but because I gave birth 5 weeks earlier than planned, I hadn't learned the tools needed to get through the later stages of labor. Yes, I could have toughed it out and probably done it without the epidural, but dang it! I wanted a Hypnobabies birth! I didn't want another epidural birth, and I didn't want a natural birth where I was out of control and/or screaming my head off. I wanted the easy, comfortable, joyful, uncomplicated birth I had been preparing for! Agh, I am so ANGRY that I didn't get that. "I am so angry I could KILL somebody!!" - extra points to the person who can guess the movie that quote is from. ;)

I didn't get to finish the Hypnobabies study course, and next time I do it it is going to be so hard to focus on the Hypnosis without thinking about Cadence and all the horrible things that can and do go wrong. I swear they need a separate course (or at least a CD) for women who are repeating Hypnobabies after a loss. Part of the course had me choose a special safe place to imagine and now that place is POISONED because of this experience! That is complete crap, and I hate that it happened this way. I also hate that my special safe place was a REAL place that I loved, and now I can't even think of that place without feeling pain and grief.

This may sound petty, irrational, and childish that THIS is what I am angry about, but its how I feel. I think I am done venting for now, but don't be surprised if I post something like this again.