Two years, little angel, two years…..

 

Our lives would be SO different. We would have a two year old.

This second year since losing Cadence has flown by. Sometimes it seems like the heartbreak of losing her never happened, or was a horrible dream. Two years is a long time, and a blink of an eye at the same time.

I really don’t have a lot to say this year. We as a family have been so busy and life has been so taken up by the twins, that I feel like not a lot of our thoughts were on our little girl in heaven. We know we will be with her again someday and are at peace with her not being here with us. I feel some guilt for not being as “typical” as most of the other angel moms I know. I don’t feel that same heartache that many of them do on a constant basis. I have sad days when something makes me wonder what it would be like with her here, but for the most part, I honestly feel like this was the “plan” our Heavenly Father had for us and Cadence all along. That knowledge has made it easier to move on with our lives without her.

When I get together with other angel moms I feel like I am heartless. I hardly ever get emotional when I talk about Cadence anymore even though our loss was relatively recent. It isn’t hard to smile and celebrate the 8 months I was pregnant with her. It was the only time we had with her, and it was wonderful despite being pretty stressful.

Anyways. This year Robert, Kaylee, and me went to a local amusement park for the day. Again, not a typical angelversary for an angel family. It was a work thing with Robert’s company so it was free and we needed to take advantage of that and of having a babysitter for the twins for the whole day! It was a wonderful day.

We didn’t go up to the cemetery…..does that make us horrible? I actually had a hard time going up there because we don’t have a headstone yet. That is the one thing that causes me some guilt and regret. We have just had so many other financial obligations and it hasn’t happened. I am hoping this year it will.

Baby girl, we love you! We can’t wait to see you again, and raise you. We know that you had to have had a very special spirit that couldn’t stay on earth. We feel your spirit around at times and it reminds us that you love us and your sisters. We miss you, and love you forever. Happy Birthday!

Cadence's Day

I have sat down dozens of times to try to write this post. Part of me doesn't even want to write it. I feel like I might be judged for how I am feeling. Because, honestly, I was not sad on her birthday!

Happy 1 year birthday to our little angel Cadence McKenzie!!

Did I feel little twinges of sadness that we don't have a little girl turning one and having a party? Yes, but those moments were immediately swept away by the firm knowledge I have that she was not meant to stay on earth. I spent the day thinking of her and of the day we were having a year ago when she came into our lives. Even then, we weren't desperately heartbroken as so many couples/women/families that I have heard about who have gone through this same kind of loss. We talked, laughed, and processed everything that was happening. We talked immediately of the future and more children. Yes, it was a sad, difficult day, but it was not something we look back on with sadness. Instead, we love the memory we have of our short time with her, and we are looking forward to the future when we get to see her again.

On Cadence's day, I was busy with so many things. I didn't think about her all day long. I went about our normal routine and that evening when we finally had time, Robert, Kaylee, and I took some flowers and a birthday cupcake up to her grave and sang happy birthday to her. It was super windy, but the candle stayed lit long enough to get through most of the song, and then we lit it again so Kaylee could blow it out. We took the little cake home and Kaylee got to eat it for dinner.

Her little spot with flowers and her birthday cupcake. My only sadness for the day was the fact that we don't have her headstone in yet. It will come, but it was hard not having it for her birthday.

This picture took about 10 tries before we got it. She couldn't keep her eyes off the cake so every shot had her eyes closed with a great smile. By the time I caught her eyes in a picture, her smile was getting tired. She was happy to be there though!

From the cemetery I went to a girls night out with some very good friends. One of those friends thought to bring a bunch of purple balloons for us to release together in remembrance of Cadence. It was wonderful!

Balloons in exactly the right color

All my beautiful friends

Happy Birthday Cadence!!

It was such a beautiful day!

Angel Babies

Cadence's photographer was featured in a local news story for the wonderful work she does with angel babies and their moms. Here is the segment:

Here is the link they talk about in the video - http://angelbabiesinfo.com/

The Most Un-Fair Thing EVER!

The most un-fair thing ever is when a parent has to bury their child. I don't really care what the reasons are for a child passing away.....parents just shouldn't have to put their children in the ground.

This past Tuesday Robert and I laid little Cadence in her grave and said a final goodbye to her body. Well, not a FINAL goodbye, but goodbye for a good long while until we are all together again. I have never had more compassion for my pioneer ancestors who buried their children on the way to Utah. It was hard enough leaving Cadence there at the cemetery knowing I could come back every day to visit her if I wanted. I can't imagine leaving your little one in a grave knowing you will NEVER get to visit them.

I spend Tuesday morning at the local dog park/canyon. That may seem weird to most people, but it is a very beautiful place without being too strenuous of a hike. It was mostly empty, so I could just walk and think. Kaylee loved it and ran by herself most of the 2+ hours we were there. Yes, she pooped out by the end and was tired and cranky as I carried her up the huge hill to the parking lot (steepest part of the whole hike), but she was a very good girl for most of it. The dogs loved it, especially since the river had calmed enough for them to play/swim in. I took a bunch of pictures of Kaylee that I will post later.

Robert and I went to see Cadence one last time, something I had debated for days before deciding to go at the last minute, before we went to the cemetery. I am SO glad we went! If I hadn't gone, I probably would have regretted it for a long time. My uncle made the casket for Cadence. It was beautiful, simple, and tiny.

The graveside service was very private. Only my and Robert's families and our two best friends. The flowers were beautiful, and it was a very peaceful ceremony.

We are so grateful to our families and friends for being there for us.

Cadence's Birth Story

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 -

This day was a blur. It went by SO quickly, but it was also very very long. I was still handling the contractions quite well, and was surprised that they hadn't started hurting yet. They were literally back to back, and the nurse kept reminding me that I could have an epidural/pain meds whenever I felt I needed them. I didn't realize it then, but this was my Hypnobabies practice hard at work. I was using the tools without being aware that I was using them.

Around 10:30 my nurse came in to let me know that the anesthesiologist was going into a c-section and wouldn't be available to do an epidural for another hour and a half to two hours. I told her I was fine and that I would wait to decide until he was out of the c-section. I think I lost some of my concentration at that point because almost immediately the contractions started to worsen. I started to actively use my birthing tools to concentrate through them, but I could tell that, because I hadn't yet finished the Hypnobabies course, I did not have the tools yet for the later stages of labor. I let my nurse know that I would like the epidural as soon as the anesthesiologist was available even though I still wasn't in much pain. When he came in to do it, he warned me that the first stick of the needle would sting because of the lidocane. I told him that I hadn't felt the lidocane at all with my last epidural and my nurse chuckled and said "I have a feeling this one has a high pain tolerance". That made me SO proud because I hadn't even had to try to get through the contractions until the last 30 minutes before I called for the epidural. I was very proud that my Hypnobabies practice had been paying off.

Things seemed to go very quickly after the epidural was in. We waited for my family to come visit so that Kaylee could see us. They stayed for a little while, and it was wonderful to see our little Kaylee. They left at 5:30 and right after that the nurse told me I was at 6 cm and 100%. Only 10 minutes later I felt the very urgent need to push, and I called her back in to find out that little Cadence was about to be born.

The doctor was paged (her office is down the hall from the labor and delivery unit of the hospital) but I had the feeling if she didn't hurry she was going to miss the delivery. It took every bit of mental willpower for me to not push with each contraction. Finally the nurse checked and discovered that Cadence actually was head down, not breech like she had been at the ultrasound the previous afternoon. Once she realized that she gave me permission to push and Cadence was born with only me, Robert and the nurse in the room. It was an amazingly quiet, sacred, moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.

I was immediately grateful that I was fully aware for her birth. I didn't want to miss a second of this experience, as horrible as that sounds, and I was very glad that I wasn't loopy like I had been for Kaylee's birth. She was wrapped up and handed to me and I held her for a couple minutes until the doctor came in. She was shocked that Cadence was already there, and sad that she hadn't been there for me. Robert got to bathe Cadence and I dressed her in a little purple dress/nightgown, knit hat, and booties. It was given to us by the Chaplin, and was SO tiny, yet still looked big on our little girl. After she was dressed and re-wrapped, Robert and I held her and spent some time alone with her.

Even though I didn't get to have the exact birth that I wanted, I think it was the most perfect birth I could get in this situation. I am so grateful to my wonderful husband who was there for me every step of the way.

Leading up to Cadence's birthday

Friday, July 29 2011 -

Robert and I went together to this doctor's appointment and got to hear our little girl's heartbeat and discussed with the doctor the fact that she was measuring so small at our Tuesday ultrasounds. The doctor wasn't too concerned and said that it may be she is just a small baby.

Sunday, July 31 2011 -

I went to a homecoming talk and family get together for my cousin who had just returned from his mission in the philippines. It was wonderful hanging out with the family and many of my cousins who have children Kaylee's age, and one who is expecting another baby soon. I remember during sacrament meeting being able to feel Cadence's foot sticking up towards the very top of my stomach and she would move it away when I rubbed it, but would put it back when I stopped moving my hand. I remember very clearly being able to feel the exact shape of her foot.

That night I went to sleep listening to my hypnobabies tracks, one of which describes early labor stages and explains what hypnosis tools to use during them. During the night I had a very clear dream that the doctors and I were trying to induce labor for some very urgent reason. I don't remember the reason they needed to get me into labor so quickly, but I do remember the feeling of urgency. When I woke up I was VERY surprised that the dream hadn't put me into actual labor, it was that clear.

Monday August 1 2011 -

I woke up very sore from head to toe. Everything hurt, especially my back and lower stomach. I had a busy day ahead of me so I didn't think much of the "movements" I was feeling from Cadence. They felt like she was pushing her bum up and out every so often. Kaylee had a well-check doctor's appointment where I discussed having her pediatrician come to see Cadence once she was born. I discussed with her the chance that Cadence may have Down Syndrome and made sure she had had DS patients before. Later that evening I picked my sister and niece up from the airport and once we were home I tried to get my hypnobabies reading done for the week. This was supposed to be the last week of the actual class, and I was excited to start reading and listening.

It felt wrong as soon as I started reading the literature. I tried to figure out what the problem was, and thought maybe subconsciously I was afraid of it starting labor. I put the book down and never finished the reading that night. I mentioned (again) to Robert how sore my stomach and lower back were and how odd I had felt all day. He suggested that maybe I had had the dream because I was having serious contractions during my sleep, and that that would make me sore the next day. That finally made sense to my brain and I forgot about it and the dream.

Tuesday, August 2 2011 -

Tuesdays are my busy day for the week. I usually have Agility practice in the mornings and my weekly ultrasound to check growth and fluid in the afternoons. I was excited to have someone there to watch Kaylee when I went to the doctor so I hadn't had to find a babysitter for the day. Robert had left really early in the morning to go to work about 90 minutes away. When I woke up, I was still very sore and was starting to just not feel well. I skipped agility and just tried to relax during the morning. At one point during the morning I realized that Cadence had turned so that she was facing out instead of facing my back. She was also sitting VERY low and I hadn't felt any real kicks from her yet that day. When I sat down at one point she turned around to face my back again and I thought she was sticking her bum up and out again every once in a while.

At my ultrasound appointment there was a wait for the first time in a month, and I started to get worried about my sister having to watch Kaylee and her little girl for too long. When they called me back, I was excited to get to see Cadence again, but nervous as always that she hadn't grown enough during the week. The first thing I noticed when the tech started the ultrasound was that Cadence's head was up towards the left side of my ribs.....somewhere it hadn't ever been before. Then the picture brought up Cadence's rib cage, and my heart stopped. It was much too still where her little flicker of a heartbeat was. The tech informed me that the baby had passed away, and she hurried to take the measurements she needed. It was an awful/surreal 10 minutes. By the end I was loosing it but, being me, I really didn't want to cry in front of anyone.

I was left alone for a few minutes to call Robert, but all I could do was text him. I still wonder if that was the right thing to do or if I should have called......I just didn't think I could make it through that call. I texted my sister and told her I was going to be a while longer, but didn't tell her what was going on until a bit later. Then I was ushered into my doctor's office through the back door so I wouldn't upset the patients. I don't remember a lot about what the doctor said other than I was going to need to be induced as soon as possible.

After the appointment I was finally able to talk to Robert who had been on his way home when I texted him. Just like I thought I lost control on my emotions once we started talking. We were both in shock. I asked him to call and tell his and my parents and to ask my mom to come up to watch Kaylee. Then I waited for my Dad to come be with me while they started the induction. Luckily he was on his way through town right at that moment so he was able to be there pretty quickly.

The induction process was started with Cytotec around 7:30pm that evening, and within an hour I was having contractions. They were very manageable, thanks to Hypnobabies, but they were one on top of another. The very early ones felt exactly like all the "movements" I thought I had been feeling since Sunday night. Robert and I stayed up until very late that night talking and processing everything. I was given a sleeping pill to finally get some rest, but ended up only sleeping for about 4 hours.

Perfect Little Angel

Our little angel Cadence arrived at tonight at 6:06pm. She had down syndrome and was 3 lbs 11 oz 16.5 " long.

I delivered her with very minimal effort and discomfort this evening. She had the cord wrapped very tightly around one leg, which cut off the circulation and (probably) caused her to pass away. We are doing some testing to see if her down syndrome had anything to do with it. She is such a beautiful little angel and we were blessed to have her for the time we did.

Robert and I were both given very beautiful blessings of comfort which helped give us some peace in this very hard trial. Now I lay me down to sleep was able to send a photographer and I am sure the pictures she took will be an invaluble treasure for us.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.

There are no words.......

to adaquatly describe what our family is going through right now.

Our precious little Cadence passed away yesterday or Monday and we are in the hospital inducing her birth. I think that is all I can possibly say about it at this moment.