Two years, little angel, two years…..

 

Our lives would be SO different. We would have a two year old.

This second year since losing Cadence has flown by. Sometimes it seems like the heartbreak of losing her never happened, or was a horrible dream. Two years is a long time, and a blink of an eye at the same time.

I really don’t have a lot to say this year. We as a family have been so busy and life has been so taken up by the twins, that I feel like not a lot of our thoughts were on our little girl in heaven. We know we will be with her again someday and are at peace with her not being here with us. I feel some guilt for not being as “typical” as most of the other angel moms I know. I don’t feel that same heartache that many of them do on a constant basis. I have sad days when something makes me wonder what it would be like with her here, but for the most part, I honestly feel like this was the “plan” our Heavenly Father had for us and Cadence all along. That knowledge has made it easier to move on with our lives without her.

When I get together with other angel moms I feel like I am heartless. I hardly ever get emotional when I talk about Cadence anymore even though our loss was relatively recent. It isn’t hard to smile and celebrate the 8 months I was pregnant with her. It was the only time we had with her, and it was wonderful despite being pretty stressful.

Anyways. This year Robert, Kaylee, and me went to a local amusement park for the day. Again, not a typical angelversary for an angel family. It was a work thing with Robert’s company so it was free and we needed to take advantage of that and of having a babysitter for the twins for the whole day! It was a wonderful day.

We didn’t go up to the cemetery…..does that make us horrible? I actually had a hard time going up there because we don’t have a headstone yet. That is the one thing that causes me some guilt and regret. We have just had so many other financial obligations and it hasn’t happened. I am hoping this year it will.

Baby girl, we love you! We can’t wait to see you again, and raise you. We know that you had to have had a very special spirit that couldn’t stay on earth. We feel your spirit around at times and it reminds us that you love us and your sisters. We miss you, and love you forever. Happy Birthday!

Molly Bear

It was a really rough morning. By noon I was done being a mom, and wanted to just give up (not sure how I would do that, but it's how I felt). I was completely exhausted after running Kaylee to preschool and picking up some cat and rabbit food at the store.....whilst toting the twins. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically even though I had had a pretty good night of sleep. Nothing was going right until I decided to go check the mail.....because the mail man had shoved a huge box in it, but it looked like it would fall out any minute. I walked out there mentally cursing the mail man for not just leaving it on the doorstep. When I looked at the box my heart leaped and my bad mood instantly disappeared. It was from "Molly Bears"

Let me back up a little bit. Last year, probably around the end of August, right after losing Cadence, I heard about this group who makes weighted teddy bears for moms who have lost babies. They make and ship these bears at no cost to the moms at all. I immediately signed up for one, knowing that it could take several months to get the bear because hundreds upon hundreds of bears are requested every month. After I signed up I forgot about it. Until I looked at that package. I almost ripped it open right there in the snow in front of the mail box, but seeing as I was in my pajamas (don't judge, it was a BAD morning) I ran inside. Inside the box was a beautiful bear weighing exactly 3 lbs 11 oz.

It is so beautiful! I don't remember if I mentioned anything about Cadence's color being light purple (that exact shade!!) or about her nursery being decorated with purple butterflies. If I didn't tell them any of that they were truly inspired when they made this bear for me. I had no idea how much this bear would touch me! I love everything about it, especially that it is weighted. I don't want to put it down!

Anyone who has lost a baby, even a very tiny one, should consider signing up to get a Molly Bear. It is so comforting to have something special to remind you of your little one. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, please direct them to the Molly Bear webside (linked above). If you are the donating type and need a good cause, this is a very good one. They run 100% on donations.

Happy Birthday Little Angel!

A year ago today, we welcomed our little angel, Cadence into the world.

I promise there is a birthday post in the works.....it's just taking me forever to write it.

Cadence's Day

I have sat down dozens of times to try to write this post. Part of me doesn't even want to write it. I feel like I might be judged for how I am feeling. Because, honestly, I was not sad on her birthday!

Happy 1 year birthday to our little angel Cadence McKenzie!!

Did I feel little twinges of sadness that we don't have a little girl turning one and having a party? Yes, but those moments were immediately swept away by the firm knowledge I have that she was not meant to stay on earth. I spent the day thinking of her and of the day we were having a year ago when she came into our lives. Even then, we weren't desperately heartbroken as so many couples/women/families that I have heard about who have gone through this same kind of loss. We talked, laughed, and processed everything that was happening. We talked immediately of the future and more children. Yes, it was a sad, difficult day, but it was not something we look back on with sadness. Instead, we love the memory we have of our short time with her, and we are looking forward to the future when we get to see her again.

On Cadence's day, I was busy with so many things. I didn't think about her all day long. I went about our normal routine and that evening when we finally had time, Robert, Kaylee, and I took some flowers and a birthday cupcake up to her grave and sang happy birthday to her. It was super windy, but the candle stayed lit long enough to get through most of the song, and then we lit it again so Kaylee could blow it out. We took the little cake home and Kaylee got to eat it for dinner.

Her little spot with flowers and her birthday cupcake. My only sadness for the day was the fact that we don't have her headstone in yet. It will come, but it was hard not having it for her birthday.

This picture took about 10 tries before we got it. She couldn't keep her eyes off the cake so every shot had her eyes closed with a great smile. By the time I caught her eyes in a picture, her smile was getting tired. She was happy to be there though!

From the cemetery I went to a girls night out with some very good friends. One of those friends thought to bring a bunch of purple balloons for us to release together in remembrance of Cadence. It was wonderful!

Balloons in exactly the right color

All my beautiful friends

Happy Birthday Cadence!!

It was such a beautiful day!

In other news.....

Cadence would have turned 7 months old yesterday!!!

It shocks me every time I calculate how old our little girl would be. I count from the day she was born, not from her due date. I have actually been grateful the past couple months that I have missed her month day. What I mean by that is that I don't realize on the 3rd that it would have been a month-day for her if she were here. For the first 3 or 4 months I had horrible days on the 3rd of each month. Sometimes I wouldn't realize for most of the day that is was her month-day, but I am sure that it was the reason for my bad days.

I love when we pass a month-day and I realize later than it was a good day and I wasn't being affected subconsciously by her death.

Anyways, I am rambling! I can not believe it has been over half a year since we held our little angel. At the same time, I can't believe just how ok I am about it. Yes, it still hurts, but I am good and happy 90% of the time, even when I am thinking about her. Thinking about her makes me smile rather than making me sad. That being said, I bawled my eyes out in church today when I mentioned her; I couldn't even finish whatever comment I was trying to make to add to the lesson.....I hate crying in front of people! Now everyone at church is probably terrified to ask me about what happened and I hate that because I really am ok talking about her! Stupid emotions lol!

I love this picture! I love her little ear. The hat wasn't pushing her ear down, it was just like that. I have an ultrasound picture of that same ear. It was the one ultrasound picture that ever made me wonder if she did in fact have Down syndrome. Many Ds babies have similar ears. Thank you Heidi again for taking such wonderful pictures of our Angel!

Dreaming of Her

I had a dream last night that our little Cadence was here with us. It was a dream of normal life down the road a couple years. We were at a park or the zoo or something, and we had both our girls with us. I remember watching Robert leading Kaylee by the hand and Kaylee in turn had Cadence's hand. They were both smiling and laughing and I was so happy we were all there (wherever it was) together. In the dream, and for a while after I woke up, I could feel her strong spirit and the feeling of overwhelming love that I feel whenever she is close. When I woke I was surprised that, in my dream, Cadence still had Down syndrome. I am not sure why that surprised me but it did/does. It was such a peaceful dream to have. It is the first time I have dreamed of her being older, and the first time a dream of her hasn't been a horrific nightmare. It was wonderful, and made me ache horribly at the same time.

Day 31

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your angel and your grief?

Yes I do. I am not sure if my family and friends have been reading my blog much this month, but am happy I had the opportunity to write about her. It will be interesting to look back and see how my thoughts and feelings change as my grief process progresses.

I love you Cadence! I am so happy to have dedicated 31 days of this blog to you!

Day 30

How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

I am going to meet up with a bunch of angel mamas next week. We are planning to make Christmas ornaments for our angels, and memory boxes to be given to new angel moms over the holidays.

My plan is to decorate Cadence's spot with a little Christmas tree, some other things. I haven't decided yet what. I would like to get one of these angel ornaments for our tree:

We traditionally get an ornament every year representing something major that happened that year.....losing Cadence is about as major as it gets. I also want to get an ornament of the temple we were sealed in as a family. Something like this:

As for the start of a new year, I am hoping it will be an amazing year. There is nothing I can do to prepare other than stay strong, and be the best wife and mom I can be!

Day 29

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your Angel is? Will you see each other again?

She is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. For reasons I wont go into on this blog I feel that her spirit wasn't supposed to be part of our earthly family right now. I do believe she is part of our spiritual family, however that may work out in the next life.

I will see her again! That is one thing that has made this grieving process "easier" for me. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I will get to see my little girl again. She will be with me for eternity, and I can't wait for that. As much as I miss her, she will be with us forever!

Day 27

Share a picture.

Happy to!!

This is the first un-edited one I have shared, I think.

Day 26

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?


Today was a 9 or 10 day! Kaylee and I are in the middle of potty training, so that kept my mind pretty busy.

Day 25

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?


I think I have actually handled them pretty well so far. I thought the one month anniversary was going to be really hard. I was at a dog agility trial (competition), around a bunch of people who knew I had been pregnant. Luckily, I only had to explain a couple times what had happened, and it ended up being a good day with only a few tears.


Hopefully her anniversaries continue to be days when I can think of her, and be happy for the small amount of time she was in our lives.

Day 24

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

The only anniversaries I have had so far are every 3rd of the month, and her due date. It reminds me how old Cadence would have been. We are coming up on 3 months, and that seems crazy. I don't really prepare for them, but I am conscious of the fact that they are coming up. I am sure I will prepare somehow for her Angelversary next August, as hard as that might be. Her due date will always be a happy day! That will forever be the day we became an eternal family.

Day 23

Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?


One thing is too hard. There are So many things......

• I wouldn't have gotten the epidural
• I wouldn't have been so hesitant around her
• I would have remembered look for any birth marks. Robert says he did, but I wish I had too
• I would have taken a picture of Cadence with my little brother
• I would have taken more pictures in general
• I would have kept the little tiny "too small" cloth diaper I made in my purse so I could have put it on her rather than a paper diaper. I am surprised how much it bothers me that she is in a disposable diaper.
• I would have kissed her more
• I would have kept her in the room with us longer
• I would have had Heidi, our NILMDTS photographer, take about a million more pictures. There will never be enough of those!

Day 22

Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your Angel


Both of the songs we used with her slideshow will always remind me of Cadence. 



"I'll see you again" by Westlife



"The Prayer" sung by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli
HERE is another video of "The Prayer" in the video description you can read the full English lyrics.

Day 21

Is there something about your angel that brings a smile to your face?

Her pictures. I love looking at the pictures we have of her, before and after her birth. They remind me of how special her little spirit is.

Her feet are my favorite. They were so perfect. They looked so much like Kaylee's feet.

Day 19

What is your happiest memory of your Angel?


My happy memories of Cadence are of before that last, horrible, ultrasound. I loved being pregnant with her. Lol, I love being pregnant period! As stressful as it was worrying every month that she hadn't grown enough, or that something would be found to be wrong with her heart, or wondering if she had Down syndrome, I loved it. After that ultrasound, the memories are ones I wish were different.

Day 17

Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Yes! Actually, not as much as I did that first month, but I think she was staying especially close that first month as we prepared to go to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family. There were days back then when her presence was almost overwhelming she was so close. It was like that when I was pregnant with her. Her spirit was SO strong. I knew she was going to be someone very special. That spirit was so strong in the hospital and for weeks afterwords, that I felt like she was still here with me.


I feel her the closest at the temple. She is always there with me when I go. I feel her close when I am in her room, looking at her pictures, or sitting quietly remembering her. When I start to feel down and start wallowing in the grief and the 'un-fairness" of it all I feel her come to comfort me. I think she knows this is hard on us, and doesn't want me to be alone in grieving for her.


When we moved her on Saturday she was very close the whole day. In general though she hasn't been as close lately as she was before. It is sad, but I feel that she had things she is doing in heaven that are so important that she couldn't stay here on earth to be with us.

Day 16

Do you take time for yourself?

I do!! I have always tried to make time for myself once a week or so, and Robert is always wonderful about watching Kaylee while I do whatever. Mostly it has been dog agility and girls nights with my friends. Robert gets time for himself as well, and I think we are both better parents and spouses because of it.

Since Cadence was born I have been super motivated to get my body in better shape. Having people ask if you are pregnant just days after having to delivery your stillborn daughter is enough motivation for ANYONE to exercise and lose weight. Most days I exercise with Kaylee right along side of me. Sometimes I do it while she is sleeping, but mostly when she is awake. Kaylee LOVES when I jog with her in the stroller, so it makes it easier for me. I don't know how much I would run if she still hated her stroller like she did as a baby. So exercise has been a HUGE part of me taking time for myself.

Day 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

Today was a wonderful day! We had already picked today to move Cadence to a closer cemetery when I found out it was awareness day. Yes, I said move her.

When we buried her, we were thinking of moving her eventually once we had the money to buy 3 plots in a cemetery of our choice. The cemetery closest to us is not maintained, and wasn't selling plots when we first looked. About a week after her burial we were contacted by the cemetery sexton where she was buried. He had a friend who just happened to own 4 plots in our local cemetery that he didn't want anymore. They were offered to us for FREE and we accepted. The only stipulation was that we keep the plots looking nice. Like I said, the cemetery is not maintained.

This is what the cemetery looks like:

Many of the family spaces are surrounded by fences like this.

Finally, we set a date to move her. We wanted to do it immediately because her casket wasn't going to last long. It was just a wooden box made by my uncle, rather than the vault type casket most people are buried in.. That day was today, and I was super nervous about it. We were told that we could move the casket ourselves and that there wouldn't be a cost besides the opening of the grave in the new cemetery.

When we got to the new cemetery, there were TONS of people there. I didn't know what to think at first, but then it became apparent that they were there doing maintenance on the cemetery grounds!

You can see all the people and cars in the back of this picture! There were SO many people there.

Notice how all the long dead grasses are cut? That is mostly what they were doing, along with cutting down some of the dead trees, and trimming other trees. It was a youth group from our church, and I couldn't thank them enough. I hope some day they will realize what a huge service they did for the families of this cemetery. One of the leaders happened to be an angel mama herself, and she came over to give us hugs and support.

It was oddly peaceful and healing to bury her in her spot. It was much more peaceful for me than where we put her in Taylorsville. I think it is because she is so much closer to us now. She is surrounded by older graves, and some newer ones too. There are two little angel boys buried in a family section right behind her. I shared her flowers with them, and will probably continue to bring them some flowers sometimes.

Cadence's little spot looks so bare and lonely now. I can't wait to get some flowers planted and her headstone put in. We are hoping that happens before Memorial Day next year. We just have to find the $$$ somewhere so we can get it done the way we want.

Cadence's Spot

After the re-burial, we rushed to get ready for Robert's Birthday BBQ at our house. The party was wonderful and ended right before 7:00.

At 7:00 we lit a little purple candle in remembrance of Cadence. I was thinking of taking it up to put on her grave, but I have a little issue with cemetery's at night. Something I am going to have to get over if we are going to release lanterns on her angelversary.

Mostly, I just missed her all day. It was so wonderful to feel her spirit so close for much of the day. It has been a while since I felt her around for an entire day. She must have known it was a special day for angel babies.