A little rusty....

Well, our first agility practice (last week) went pretty well! I think mentally, I was not at my best (go figure), but we did a good job anyways. That course is tough!

We did THIS course for our first practice.

We stumbled our way through it once then I went back and walked it a TON while Hobbs had a water break. The second time through was rough, but we got through it! Hobbs was pretty done after that so we ended with a small easy part of the course.

Today we went to the barn again for practice and it went so much better! Here is the course we did:

Click to enlarge

This course is actually by a judge I have competed under! I thought it was really tough when I set it up. I switched the A-frame and the Teeter because they were already mostly in place and I didn't want to have to drag each of them across the barn. There were parts of it that were pretty tight, and I think that was even more so because of the size of the barn. I need to get faster at setting up courses! I understand mostly how to do it now, but it takes me 20-30 minutes to set it up when I am by myself.

Hobbs was on fire! He was crazy excited to be doing agility again, and I was happy that even with that extra energy we got through the course clean (with breaks for rewards) the first time through. The only trouble he had was sticking his teeter. He kept stepping off and so we worked on that for a little while between running the course.

The second time around the course was amazingly smooth and flawless! It was a great morning even though it was about 1000 degrees by the time our hour was up.

I am excited for our trial this weekend! I am also nervous and worried about the heat. Hopefully it will be a cool day......ha ha!

Weighing In

I think I have done pretty well for my first week of weight loss. Actually it has been a week and two days, because I want to continue my habit of getting on the scale every Friday. I have gotten in 5 runs (1/4-1/3 of a mile each) totaling about 1.5 miles. Today I did two 1/4 mile jogs with a half mile of walking in between them. On my off days I have been going hiking at the dog park and/or doing strength training and Pilates. No injuries so far, just some very tired and slightly sore leg muscles. I am hoping they recover over the weekend so I am not starting off sore next week.

As for weight loss, I lost exactly 1 pound this week!

One thing that I have noticed is that I really need to work on eating more healthy foods. Every time I get really hungry I start craving disgusting fatty foods that are usually from some fast food place. Expensive AND unhealthy! The past couple days I have been doing better, but it is difficult. I am hoping that it will get easier once I detox from all the fast food, soda, sugar, and fatty foods.

One of my plans for this weight loss journey is to take before, during, and after pictures. Probably only one picture a month, but I definitely will be taking them once I start P90X. Don't count on seeing them until I start making progress lol!!

Going Crazy

Patriot thinks he is going crazy. We have a new cat in the house and he can't figure out what he is supposed to do. He is VERY protective against cats that aren't ours, and now he doesn't know what to think. He will randomly jump up because Turtle or the new cat (who doesn't have a name yet) walks by, hackles raised, and run over to them to see if they are ok or not. I keep reminding him that they are both ok, but he seriously gets this look on his face like he thinks he is going crazy. It is a little funny, and a little sad.

Hobbs on the other hand is stressed and terrified. He is scared to death of the new cat, because she is not used to dogs. His stress comes in the form of diarrhea and drinking excessive amounts of water. I don't know what to do for him other than just keep his routine as normal as possible and try to limit his interactions with the new cat.

She still needs a name, in case anyone has any suggestions!

Cheated

I feel so ^$%(@*# CHEATED!!  Sorry, I just had to get that out. I will try to keep this post as civil as possible, because I am feeling pretty angry lately. But my anger today is directed at my being cheated out of my birth plan.

I am so angry and frustrated that after being SO excited to use Hypnobabies for my birth, I didn't get to!! Yes, I used the techniques for part of my labor, and they worked wonderfully, but because I gave birth 5 weeks earlier than planned, I hadn't learned the tools needed to get through the later stages of labor. Yes, I could have toughed it out and probably done it without the epidural, but dang it! I wanted a Hypnobabies birth! I didn't want another epidural birth, and I didn't want a natural birth where I was out of control and/or screaming my head off. I wanted the easy, comfortable, joyful, uncomplicated birth I had been preparing for! Agh, I am so ANGRY that I didn't get that. "I am so angry I could KILL somebody!!" - extra points to the person who can guess the movie that quote is from. ;)

I didn't get to finish the Hypnobabies study course, and next time I do it it is going to be so hard to focus on the Hypnosis without thinking about Cadence and all the horrible things that can and do go wrong. I swear they need a separate course (or at least a CD) for women who are repeating Hypnobabies after a loss. Part of the course had me choose a special safe place to imagine and now that place is POISONED because of this experience! That is complete crap, and I hate that it happened this way. I also hate that my special safe place was a REAL place that I loved, and now I can't even think of that place without feeling pain and grief.

This may sound petty, irrational, and childish that THIS is what I am angry about, but its how I feel. I think I am done venting for now, but don't be surprised if I post something like this again.

Plans for Practice

I finally rented the barn where I have had class for the past two years! I will have it all to myself, and that is a little intimidating to me. I know I need to make sure I have a plan so I don't waste away the time. I already have a course that I want to try that might actually fit in the barn. Usually we have to break a course down into two parts to get it to fit in the space. It is from AgilityNerd's latest post:



It looks really tough, and really really fun!

I will only have time to do one course (probably), so I want to work on some other things before and after. Pretty sure we can finally get some work in on the weave pole challenge.

I took Hobbs and a few jumps to the local park and Hobbs was crazy excited to be doing agility.....or he was just excited about the freshly cut grass. He would take a jump and then go run a HUGE loop around the field and come right back to do more agility. The poor boy was pretty worn out after only a few sequences, and about 5-7 loops around the field. It was really good to do some agility though.

What Kaylee has been up to

Kaylee has had quite the busy week with her cousin being in town, and with everything else that has been going on. She came with me and the dogs on a pretty long hike at the local dog park, which is actually part of a canyon. She and her cousin got to ride on Grandma's horse, and loved it! Kaylee has been asking to ride horses ever since.

I am really happy that this collage actually worked!! Now maybe I wont have to post billions of pictures one at a time! I really with there was a size setting between this one and the extra-large that wont fit in the post. so, if you want to see the pictures better just click to enlarge the collage.

Losing Weight and Getting Fit

BEWARE: This may turn into a separate blog eventually.

After being asked if I am pregnant 3-4 times in the past two weeks, I am determined to get back in shape. I am talking the kind of shape I was in....well never, but Marathon/Triathlon running shape.

You may have noticed the list of fitness goals at the side of my blog. I have been not-so-patiently waiting to heal from giving birth to be able to start completing those goals. I gave on Wednesday and did a little bit of strength training (very low key) and crossed off Exercise One Day. I have been walking and hiking with the dogs and Kaylee every day this week, but I don't count that as my exercise for the day. I figure on the days I take them for a really long walk/hike I will do strength training and I will do some sort of cardio on the days with regular walks. This morning I ran a little bit while walking the dogs, and that was SO wonderful! I was glad I had Patriot (old out of shape dog) with me to keep me from doing too much too soon because I just wanted to keep going and going!

I also have weight loss goals listed there. I am pretty sure I have lost all that I am going to at 188.4, but I am crossing my fingers that a little more will come off all by itself. I can live with losing 16 lbs in a week and a half though!

There will also be a few health "rules" that I will by doing my best to follow. Some of them being:

• No eating after 7 pm (this will be hard because I am used to eating my dinner after Kaylee goes to bed around 8 or 8:30
• Nothing but WATER to drink - at least 64 oz every day
• 1 salad a day
• Generally eat more healthy foods - more raw veggies and fruits

The Most Un-Fair Thing EVER!

The most un-fair thing ever is when a parent has to bury their child. I don't really care what the reasons are for a child passing away.....parents just shouldn't have to put their children in the ground.

This past Tuesday Robert and I laid little Cadence in her grave and said a final goodbye to her body. Well, not a FINAL goodbye, but goodbye for a good long while until we are all together again. I have never had more compassion for my pioneer ancestors who buried their children on the way to Utah. It was hard enough leaving Cadence there at the cemetery knowing I could come back every day to visit her if I wanted. I can't imagine leaving your little one in a grave knowing you will NEVER get to visit them.

I spend Tuesday morning at the local dog park/canyon. That may seem weird to most people, but it is a very beautiful place without being too strenuous of a hike. It was mostly empty, so I could just walk and think. Kaylee loved it and ran by herself most of the 2+ hours we were there. Yes, she pooped out by the end and was tired and cranky as I carried her up the huge hill to the parking lot (steepest part of the whole hike), but she was a very good girl for most of it. The dogs loved it, especially since the river had calmed enough for them to play/swim in. I took a bunch of pictures of Kaylee that I will post later.

Robert and I went to see Cadence one last time, something I had debated for days before deciding to go at the last minute, before we went to the cemetery. I am SO glad we went! If I hadn't gone, I probably would have regretted it for a long time. My uncle made the casket for Cadence. It was beautiful, simple, and tiny.

The graveside service was very private. Only my and Robert's families and our two best friends. The flowers were beautiful, and it was a very peaceful ceremony.

We are so grateful to our families and friends for being there for us.

Back to Agility

Because of a recent tragedy, I find myself in the position to go back to agility much sooner than I had planned. I am not sure if I am going to continue with my planned break or, for sanity's sake, pick up where I left off just two weeks ago.

There is an agility trial the second weekend in September at a site that I absolutely love, so if I decide to continue competing this year, we will be entering that trial. Physically I am sure I will be ready to trial by then......mentally, I am not sure when/if I will be ready to trial for a very long time. I am going to rent some time at the agility barn to see if I will be able to concentrate on agility long enough to run a course properly.

Cadence's Birth Story

Wednesday, August 3, 2011 -

This day was a blur. It went by SO quickly, but it was also very very long. I was still handling the contractions quite well, and was surprised that they hadn't started hurting yet. They were literally back to back, and the nurse kept reminding me that I could have an epidural/pain meds whenever I felt I needed them. I didn't realize it then, but this was my Hypnobabies practice hard at work. I was using the tools without being aware that I was using them.

Around 10:30 my nurse came in to let me know that the anesthesiologist was going into a c-section and wouldn't be available to do an epidural for another hour and a half to two hours. I told her I was fine and that I would wait to decide until he was out of the c-section. I think I lost some of my concentration at that point because almost immediately the contractions started to worsen. I started to actively use my birthing tools to concentrate through them, but I could tell that, because I hadn't yet finished the Hypnobabies course, I did not have the tools yet for the later stages of labor. I let my nurse know that I would like the epidural as soon as the anesthesiologist was available even though I still wasn't in much pain. When he came in to do it, he warned me that the first stick of the needle would sting because of the lidocane. I told him that I hadn't felt the lidocane at all with my last epidural and my nurse chuckled and said "I have a feeling this one has a high pain tolerance". That made me SO proud because I hadn't even had to try to get through the contractions until the last 30 minutes before I called for the epidural. I was very proud that my Hypnobabies practice had been paying off.

Things seemed to go very quickly after the epidural was in. We waited for my family to come visit so that Kaylee could see us. They stayed for a little while, and it was wonderful to see our little Kaylee. They left at 5:30 and right after that the nurse told me I was at 6 cm and 100%. Only 10 minutes later I felt the very urgent need to push, and I called her back in to find out that little Cadence was about to be born.

The doctor was paged (her office is down the hall from the labor and delivery unit of the hospital) but I had the feeling if she didn't hurry she was going to miss the delivery. It took every bit of mental willpower for me to not push with each contraction. Finally the nurse checked and discovered that Cadence actually was head down, not breech like she had been at the ultrasound the previous afternoon. Once she realized that she gave me permission to push and Cadence was born with only me, Robert and the nurse in the room. It was an amazingly quiet, sacred, moment that I will remember for the rest of my life.

I was immediately grateful that I was fully aware for her birth. I didn't want to miss a second of this experience, as horrible as that sounds, and I was very glad that I wasn't loopy like I had been for Kaylee's birth. She was wrapped up and handed to me and I held her for a couple minutes until the doctor came in. She was shocked that Cadence was already there, and sad that she hadn't been there for me. Robert got to bathe Cadence and I dressed her in a little purple dress/nightgown, knit hat, and booties. It was given to us by the Chaplin, and was SO tiny, yet still looked big on our little girl. After she was dressed and re-wrapped, Robert and I held her and spent some time alone with her.

Even though I didn't get to have the exact birth that I wanted, I think it was the most perfect birth I could get in this situation. I am so grateful to my wonderful husband who was there for me every step of the way.

Leading up to Cadence's birthday

Friday, July 29 2011 -

Robert and I went together to this doctor's appointment and got to hear our little girl's heartbeat and discussed with the doctor the fact that she was measuring so small at our Tuesday ultrasounds. The doctor wasn't too concerned and said that it may be she is just a small baby.

Sunday, July 31 2011 -

I went to a homecoming talk and family get together for my cousin who had just returned from his mission in the philippines. It was wonderful hanging out with the family and many of my cousins who have children Kaylee's age, and one who is expecting another baby soon. I remember during sacrament meeting being able to feel Cadence's foot sticking up towards the very top of my stomach and she would move it away when I rubbed it, but would put it back when I stopped moving my hand. I remember very clearly being able to feel the exact shape of her foot.

That night I went to sleep listening to my hypnobabies tracks, one of which describes early labor stages and explains what hypnosis tools to use during them. During the night I had a very clear dream that the doctors and I were trying to induce labor for some very urgent reason. I don't remember the reason they needed to get me into labor so quickly, but I do remember the feeling of urgency. When I woke up I was VERY surprised that the dream hadn't put me into actual labor, it was that clear.

Monday August 1 2011 -

I woke up very sore from head to toe. Everything hurt, especially my back and lower stomach. I had a busy day ahead of me so I didn't think much of the "movements" I was feeling from Cadence. They felt like she was pushing her bum up and out every so often. Kaylee had a well-check doctor's appointment where I discussed having her pediatrician come to see Cadence once she was born. I discussed with her the chance that Cadence may have Down Syndrome and made sure she had had DS patients before. Later that evening I picked my sister and niece up from the airport and once we were home I tried to get my hypnobabies reading done for the week. This was supposed to be the last week of the actual class, and I was excited to start reading and listening.

It felt wrong as soon as I started reading the literature. I tried to figure out what the problem was, and thought maybe subconsciously I was afraid of it starting labor. I put the book down and never finished the reading that night. I mentioned (again) to Robert how sore my stomach and lower back were and how odd I had felt all day. He suggested that maybe I had had the dream because I was having serious contractions during my sleep, and that that would make me sore the next day. That finally made sense to my brain and I forgot about it and the dream.

Tuesday, August 2 2011 -

Tuesdays are my busy day for the week. I usually have Agility practice in the mornings and my weekly ultrasound to check growth and fluid in the afternoons. I was excited to have someone there to watch Kaylee when I went to the doctor so I hadn't had to find a babysitter for the day. Robert had left really early in the morning to go to work about 90 minutes away. When I woke up, I was still very sore and was starting to just not feel well. I skipped agility and just tried to relax during the morning. At one point during the morning I realized that Cadence had turned so that she was facing out instead of facing my back. She was also sitting VERY low and I hadn't felt any real kicks from her yet that day. When I sat down at one point she turned around to face my back again and I thought she was sticking her bum up and out again every once in a while.

At my ultrasound appointment there was a wait for the first time in a month, and I started to get worried about my sister having to watch Kaylee and her little girl for too long. When they called me back, I was excited to get to see Cadence again, but nervous as always that she hadn't grown enough during the week. The first thing I noticed when the tech started the ultrasound was that Cadence's head was up towards the left side of my ribs.....somewhere it hadn't ever been before. Then the picture brought up Cadence's rib cage, and my heart stopped. It was much too still where her little flicker of a heartbeat was. The tech informed me that the baby had passed away, and she hurried to take the measurements she needed. It was an awful/surreal 10 minutes. By the end I was loosing it but, being me, I really didn't want to cry in front of anyone.

I was left alone for a few minutes to call Robert, but all I could do was text him. I still wonder if that was the right thing to do or if I should have called......I just didn't think I could make it through that call. I texted my sister and told her I was going to be a while longer, but didn't tell her what was going on until a bit later. Then I was ushered into my doctor's office through the back door so I wouldn't upset the patients. I don't remember a lot about what the doctor said other than I was going to need to be induced as soon as possible.

After the appointment I was finally able to talk to Robert who had been on his way home when I texted him. Just like I thought I lost control on my emotions once we started talking. We were both in shock. I asked him to call and tell his and my parents and to ask my mom to come up to watch Kaylee. Then I waited for my Dad to come be with me while they started the induction. Luckily he was on his way through town right at that moment so he was able to be there pretty quickly.

The induction process was started with Cytotec around 7:30pm that evening, and within an hour I was having contractions. They were very manageable, thanks to Hypnobabies, but they were one on top of another. The very early ones felt exactly like all the "movements" I thought I had been feeling since Sunday night. Robert and I stayed up until very late that night talking and processing everything. I was given a sleeping pill to finally get some rest, but ended up only sleeping for about 4 hours.

Perfect Little Angel

Our little angel Cadence arrived at tonight at 6:06pm. She had down syndrome and was 3 lbs 11 oz 16.5 " long.

I delivered her with very minimal effort and discomfort this evening. She had the cord wrapped very tightly around one leg, which cut off the circulation and (probably) caused her to pass away. We are doing some testing to see if her down syndrome had anything to do with it. She is such a beautiful little angel and we were blessed to have her for the time we did.

Robert and I were both given very beautiful blessings of comfort which helped give us some peace in this very hard trial. Now I lay me down to sleep was able to send a photographer and I am sure the pictures she took will be an invaluble treasure for us.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers.

There are no words.......

to adaquatly describe what our family is going through right now.

Our precious little Cadence passed away yesterday or Monday and we are in the hospital inducing her birth. I think that is all I can possibly say about it at this moment.