Mommy Guilt

I'm struggling.

I feel like I am failing her. Ignoring her. Putting her on the back burner.

How did I not take advantage of ever minute with her before everything changed?

I can see the heartbreak in her eyes when I tell her "just a minute" for the 100th time or snap at her yet again.

All my energy is being put into satisfying the little ones, and there isn't any left when she needs me.

All of the stress and frustration of twins is being unloaded onto her without regard to her feelings (until afterwards)

When she is away I ache to have her here, but know that she is probably happier being away from me right now.


I have gone from being a patient, laid back mommy to being a short-tempered, grumpy monster.

Worst of all. I don't know how to go back.

Kaylee, I'm so sorry your world has changed so drastically! I know it hasn't changed for the better. I am failing, but am trying to be better. I love you more than you could ever know.

First Snow!

Last Friday we woke up to the first snow of the season! It turned out to be more snow than we got the entire winter last year. 

I really don't like snow, but I have to admit it was very pretty.

Kaylee loved the snow! She wanted to go out so badly, but I kept asking her to wait until it stopped actively snowing. It was like torture. When we finally got to go out, she didn't want to ever go back in!

Our first snowman together...my first in a LONG time

 

Licking the snowman

Cucumber eyes and a very small carrot nose. He also ended up with a bell pepper slice mouth that wouldn't stay on very long.

 

Kaylee loved eating the snow

After not very long, I noticed that our snowman was leaning a bit. I went to tilt him back up and the bottom of him split in half.

The dogs loved the snow too.

I am trying to take more pictures of the dogs, especially Patriot, because I don't know how much longer he is going to be around. He is getting old. Fast.

And the Hobber Monster

I think this is the skinniest Patriot has been since coming back from Guide Dogs

I can't wait for some more snow so we can go sledding! Well, first we have to get a sled (sad, I know!), but then we can go sledding and I think Kaylee with love it!

Molly Bear

It was a really rough morning. By noon I was done being a mom, and wanted to just give up (not sure how I would do that, but it's how I felt). I was completely exhausted after running Kaylee to preschool and picking up some cat and rabbit food at the store.....whilst toting the twins. I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically even though I had had a pretty good night of sleep. Nothing was going right until I decided to go check the mail.....because the mail man had shoved a huge box in it, but it looked like it would fall out any minute. I walked out there mentally cursing the mail man for not just leaving it on the doorstep. When I looked at the box my heart leaped and my bad mood instantly disappeared. It was from "Molly Bears"

Let me back up a little bit. Last year, probably around the end of August, right after losing Cadence, I heard about this group who makes weighted teddy bears for moms who have lost babies. They make and ship these bears at no cost to the moms at all. I immediately signed up for one, knowing that it could take several months to get the bear because hundreds upon hundreds of bears are requested every month. After I signed up I forgot about it. Until I looked at that package. I almost ripped it open right there in the snow in front of the mail box, but seeing as I was in my pajamas (don't judge, it was a BAD morning) I ran inside. Inside the box was a beautiful bear weighing exactly 3 lbs 11 oz.

It is so beautiful! I don't remember if I mentioned anything about Cadence's color being light purple (that exact shade!!) or about her nursery being decorated with purple butterflies. If I didn't tell them any of that they were truly inspired when they made this bear for me. I had no idea how much this bear would touch me! I love everything about it, especially that it is weighted. I don't want to put it down!

Anyone who has lost a baby, even a very tiny one, should consider signing up to get a Molly Bear. It is so comforting to have something special to remind you of your little one. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, please direct them to the Molly Bear webside (linked above). If you are the donating type and need a good cause, this is a very good one. They run 100% on donations.

Beautiful Day

Yesterday we were joined by family and friends as we gave the babies names and blessings. It was such a beautiful day, and I felt very blessed to have a husband who could preform their blessings. I had a brief moment of tears while I mourned the fact that we didn't get to bless our other daughter. But that thought was immediately replaced by the knowledge that we are incredibly blessed to have these two girls in our family  now. Yes, I am sad that we were not able to bless Cadence, but I am even more thrilled that we now have Courtney and Alexis in our lives.

Our little family of 5 - not the greatest picture, but the babies were super tired at this point, and Kaylee was too excited to hold still with everyone there.

My mom with the girls....they were super angry by this time

My sister Kathryn and the girls

Grandpas

Sister-in-law Emil playing with Kaylee

Our good friends Sandy and Clint (and my mom in the background) - They met, and fell in love, at Kaylee's blessing 3 years ago!

I am so thankful for so many family and friends who were there to support us.

Ghosts, Spooks, and Pumpkins

Bleh, I hate being so behind on my posts! Halloween was so much fun this year!! It was crazy hectic, but so much fun. Kaylee loved being Rainbow Brite and loved telling people what her costume was.

We were lucky enough that Robert was able to be home for the day before Halloween and Halloween. He has been out of the state for work almost constantly for a month or so now, and it was nice to have him there. We carved pumpkins on Halloween Eve, and it was great fun. I love carving pumpkins, but didn't have any great ideas this year, and I didn't have a lot of un-interrupted time to put into carving. So, no amazing pumpkin this year :( Kaylee had a wonderful time carving! Robert helped her, but she told him what to do.

I loved that she wasn't squeamish about the pumpkin "guts" at all. She got right in there and scooped them out....

and showed them to me.

She really wanted to taste the pumpkin and ended up licking the lid. I don't think she liked the taste too much though.

Getting everyone ready for trick or treating by myself (Robert was at work) almost made me boycot Halloween altogether! It was insane. I managed to get everyone in their costumes though, without too many tears. The babies weren't too thrilled about their costumes though.

Kaylee was SO excited to go trick-or-treating! She could barely stand still long enough for me to get a picture.

All of our pumpkins. The bigger two didn't get carved because I used them to put the babies in for pictures!

I wanted to put a baby in each pumpkin, but the second pumpkin was just a little bit too small. So, I settled for taking individual picture of them.

 Courtney didn't mind at all being inside the pumpkin! She even sat up and held herself there.

Alexis was NOT a fan of the pumpkin. She never was to the point of screaming, but she whined and cried pitifully until I took her out. 

You can see in her pictures that I didn't have them in there completely naked. I just unzipped and rolled down their pajamas and put a blanket under and behind them so they weren't touching much of the cold pumpkin sides. Alexis still hated it though.

I caught one picture of her looking ok though.

Before Robert got home, and while the babies were sleeping, I took Kaylee around the culdesac to trick-or-treat her first few houses. I wanted to do it in the light so I could get a few pictures.

I love the neighbor's face in this one lol

Our humble Halloween decorations

The actual trick-or-treating turned out to be pretty rough for the babies....well just Courtney. She cried basically the whole time. I finally left Robert and Kaylee to finish while I ran the babies back home.....in the huge double stroller. Kaylee had a blast running up to everyone's doors. She was perfectly happy to do them all on her own, except for a couple scary ones that she wanted me with her for. One house was so scary that even I would have preferred to stay on the street....scary clowns are not my thing, especially when they are real people!

Robert took her around for a good half hour after I abandoned ship with the babies. When they got home Kaylee was a tired wreck and quickly went to bed. She was a big dramatic that we wouldn't let her have all her candy, but it was mostly just the tiredness.

I can't wait for next year when we have three little ones who will enjoy the Halloween season!