Day 28

Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

I can think of one instance in particular when I wanted to "correct" someone. Kaylee and I were at the park and just as we were preparing to leave a mother and her two children (one of whom had Down syndrome) arrived at the park. We walked past them as we left and the mother gave us a dirty look and said "I hope you aren't leaving because of my son (the one with Down Syndrome)!" I was SO hurt!! I wanted to scream at her that I wasn't judging her son because I had had a daughter with Down syndrome, only she wasn't born alive! Luckily I didn't, because it would have caused hurt feelings and I probably wouldn't have been very nice about it.

Thoughts on Down Syndrome

I have had a month now to think about the possibility of Cadence having Down Syndrome. I have told a few people (anyone who reads this obviously) and have gotten some mixed reactions. Most people have been very supportive, some have taken the liberty of reminding me how expensive, difficult, time consuming, and possibly heartbreaking having a little one with Downs will be. As if I didn't know that already lol ;) None of those have been part of my reaction, honestly. Obviously they have all come up in my research, but they aren't the focus of my thoughts.

I have been very impressed with myself; tooting my own horn here for a second! After the initial shock and tears came the peace. A deep resounding peace that everything would be ok. I don't know what that means, but I can HONESTLY say, that I am ok with whatever happens. As I have had a month to think about the possibilities I have started to realize what something like this means to me.

I have heard of other moms getting the news I got, or they got their "for sure" T21 (easier to type than Down Syndrome) diagnosis, and they END their pregnancy, my heart hurts for those little spirits. I do understand that there are extenuating circumstances with some people and pregnancies. I have found that a HUGE percent of, perfectly healthy, T21 pregnancies are ended just because of the diagnosis. How many times do those special spirits try to come down before they are sent to a home humble enough to love them no matter what? Yes, I understand that that might not be how it works, but if it is, that is heartbreaking to me.

I am so humbled that Heavenly Father trusts Robert and me enough to send one of his most special spirits into our home KNOWING that we would keep and love her with all our hearts and souls.

Do I have fears? YES! I am worried that I can't be the kind of mom that she needs. I am worried that our home isn't spiritual enough for someone so......special to live in. I am worried about the kinds of prejudices and judgments she is going to face from the rude and naive people in our world. I have a huge fear of the unknown. I am worried that I can't/wont be as strong if she actually IS born with T21 as I feel like I have been with the POSSIBILITY of her having T21....I don't know if that makes sense to everyone else, but it does to me.

To those wondering why WE were chosen to have this little angel who may or may not have Down Syndrome? Maybe it ISN'T because we "have something to learn". Maybe it is just because Heavenly Father knew we would welcome her into our home regardless of any expense, difficulty, time, and possible heartbreak that would come with her.

Week 23

This week was one that I worried about since last month. The ultrasound on her heart turned out to be another full measurement ultrasound. The doctor said that her heart looks good but that, in general, she is measuring a bit smaller than she should be, her arm and leg bones are still a bit short, and that my amniotic fluid is measuring on the high end of normal. All of these things can be indicators of a chromosomal abnormality so they are going to continue to monitor the baby and pregnancy. We "get" to have another growth ultrasound in 3 weeks. I am hoping that she is measuring better next time.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 23 weeks -

Watch what you say - baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when - just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop.

Size of baby: Roughly 10 1/2 - 11 3/4 inches long, Head to heel

Weight: 189.2

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Gain: 1.8 lbs

Maternity Clothes: Yes.....lets just leave it at that.

Gender: GIRL!!

Name: Cadence McKenzie Ricks

Movement: I feel her a lot now, and I think I felt her from the outside today!

Sleep: I have been sleeping really well in our new house!

Exercise: I have been walking the dogs, going to the park with Kaylee, and unpacking boxes so I think I have been getting plenty of exercise.

Symptoms: mood swings and sore back - I don't remember back pain with Kaylee.

Throw up tally: 3

What I miss: Being more flexible

Cravings: Still nothing specific

Aversions: A lot of baked sweet stuff still makes me sick, but other than that, there hasn't been a lot that I can't eat.

Best Moment this week: Finding out that Cadence's heart is looking perfect!

Looking Forward To: Cadence finally being here. This pregnancy is proving to be way too stressful for my taste.

Comparison: Week 23

Picture for this week: I promise this will be added tomorrow.

Half Way!!

Let the countdown begin YAY!! SCARY!! These past two weeks have been a bit of a challenge for us.

I heard from my doctor's office last Monday (soooo the 11th) that my blood test for chromosomal abnormalities came back abnormal. She said that it came back as me having an increased risk for having a baby with Down Syndrome. My risk went from 1:918 to 1:18......so quite a significant increase. She scheduled me for a level 2 ultrasound with a high risk doctor. We went and got to see our little girl....and find out that she was a little girl :)

On the ultrasound the tech and doctor said that her arm and leg bones were measuring about 2 weeks behind. Those are both markers for Downs Syndrome, so the doctor said my risk was probably around 1:3 (which is about 33%). Can I just say I about died right then? Mostly from fear of the unknown. We declined against the amniocentesis (that would have told us for sure if this little girl had Downs) and scheduled another ultrasound to look at her heart. Many Downs babies have heart problems, and it was too early to see her heart clearly. After that, I basically cried the rest of the day.

The next day I had my regular gender ultrasound with my regular doctor. I am SO glad I didn't cancel that ultrasound! The tech was really nice and funny. When she found out why this was my second ultrasound (the 1:3 Downs risk) she measured some extra things and looked to see if SHE could see any markers. She said that everything looked great and was ALL measuring where it should be. To be honest, her ultrasound looked a lot clearer and more detailed than the one at the other doctor's office.

After the second ultrasound and talking to my doctor Robert and I came up with a plan. Here it is:

We will wait until the heart ultrasound. If there IS a defect, we will treat the pregnancy as a Downs pregnancy and get the amnio at around 35 weeks. That will make it easier to prepare for the delivery, without the risk of a miscarriage from the amnio.

If there is NOT a defect, we will continue with this as a normal pregnancy and request another level II ultrasound later on to get a second look at the "markers" they found (shorter than normal arm and leg bones). If those markers are still there we will get the amnio at around 35 weeks, and if they aren't we will assume that we are expecting a normal chromosome baby.

Either way, we have made our peace with whatever happens. This little girl is supposed to join our family, extra chromosome or not.

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 20 weeks -

Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And speaking of the diaper situation....baby's genitals are now fully formed!

Size of baby: Roughly 6 1/2 inches long, Crown to rump

Weight: 186.6

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Lost .6 lbs

Maternity Clothes: 3 pairs of maternity pants

Gender: GIRL!!

Name: Cadence McKenzie Ricks

Movement: I feel her a few times a day, mostly just when I am sitting down.

Sleep: It is off and on. Some nights I sleep REALLY well, and others it is pretty rough.

Exercise: I have been trying to get back to walking on the treadmill regularly....since mother nature doesn't seem to realize it is APRIL. I am going to be adding a strength training regiment this week. So my arms are ready for constant baby holding in September. - basically the same as last time because I didn't do anything this week.

Symptoms: Still rare that any food sounds good.

Throw up tally: 3

What I miss: Nothing lately!

Cravings: Still nothing...

Aversions: Sweet stuff! Ugh, all the easter candy in the stores usually makes me drool, but now it makes me nauseous. Sad to be missing my favorite candy of the year. Almost every other food sounds gross still. I have figured out that most baked, sweet things are the worst of my aversions.

Best Moment this week: Well this was technically LAST week but finding out the gender!!!

Looking Forward To: Feeling her kick from the outside....and more from the inside.

Comparison: Week 20

Picture for this week:

Week 20 (excuse me looking like a weirdo looking at myself instead of the camera)