Day 31

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your angel and your grief?

Yes I do. I am not sure if my family and friends have been reading my blog much this month, but am happy I had the opportunity to write about her. It will be interesting to look back and see how my thoughts and feelings change as my grief process progresses.

I love you Cadence! I am so happy to have dedicated 31 days of this blog to you!

Day 30

How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

I am going to meet up with a bunch of angel mamas next week. We are planning to make Christmas ornaments for our angels, and memory boxes to be given to new angel moms over the holidays.

My plan is to decorate Cadence's spot with a little Christmas tree, some other things. I haven't decided yet what. I would like to get one of these angel ornaments for our tree:

We traditionally get an ornament every year representing something major that happened that year.....losing Cadence is about as major as it gets. I also want to get an ornament of the temple we were sealed in as a family. Something like this:

As for the start of a new year, I am hoping it will be an amazing year. There is nothing I can do to prepare other than stay strong, and be the best wife and mom I can be!

Day 29

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your Angel is? Will you see each other again?

She is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. For reasons I wont go into on this blog I feel that her spirit wasn't supposed to be part of our earthly family right now. I do believe she is part of our spiritual family, however that may work out in the next life.

I will see her again! That is one thing that has made this grieving process "easier" for me. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I will get to see my little girl again. She will be with me for eternity, and I can't wait for that. As much as I miss her, she will be with us forever!

Day 28

Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

I can think of one instance in particular when I wanted to "correct" someone. Kaylee and I were at the park and just as we were preparing to leave a mother and her two children (one of whom had Down syndrome) arrived at the park. We walked past them as we left and the mother gave us a dirty look and said "I hope you aren't leaving because of my son (the one with Down Syndrome)!" I was SO hurt!! I wanted to scream at her that I wasn't judging her son because I had had a daughter with Down syndrome, only she wasn't born alive! Luckily I didn't, because it would have caused hurt feelings and I probably wouldn't have been very nice about it.

Day 27

Share a picture.

Happy to!!

This is the first un-edited one I have shared, I think.

Day 26

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?


Today was a 9 or 10 day! Kaylee and I are in the middle of potty training, so that kept my mind pretty busy.

Day 25

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?


I think I have actually handled them pretty well so far. I thought the one month anniversary was going to be really hard. I was at a dog agility trial (competition), around a bunch of people who knew I had been pregnant. Luckily, I only had to explain a couple times what had happened, and it ended up being a good day with only a few tears.


Hopefully her anniversaries continue to be days when I can think of her, and be happy for the small amount of time she was in our lives.

Day 24

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

The only anniversaries I have had so far are every 3rd of the month, and her due date. It reminds me how old Cadence would have been. We are coming up on 3 months, and that seems crazy. I don't really prepare for them, but I am conscious of the fact that they are coming up. I am sure I will prepare somehow for her Angelversary next August, as hard as that might be. Her due date will always be a happy day! That will forever be the day we became an eternal family.

Day 23

Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?


One thing is too hard. There are So many things......

• I wouldn't have gotten the epidural
• I wouldn't have been so hesitant around her
• I would have remembered look for any birth marks. Robert says he did, but I wish I had too
• I would have taken a picture of Cadence with my little brother
• I would have taken more pictures in general
• I would have kept the little tiny "too small" cloth diaper I made in my purse so I could have put it on her rather than a paper diaper. I am surprised how much it bothers me that she is in a disposable diaper.
• I would have kissed her more
• I would have kept her in the room with us longer
• I would have had Heidi, our NILMDTS photographer, take about a million more pictures. There will never be enough of those!

Day 22

Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your Angel


Both of the songs we used with her slideshow will always remind me of Cadence. 



"I'll see you again" by Westlife



"The Prayer" sung by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli
HERE is another video of "The Prayer" in the video description you can read the full English lyrics.

Day 21

Is there something about your angel that brings a smile to your face?

Her pictures. I love looking at the pictures we have of her, before and after her birth. They remind me of how special her little spirit is.

Her feet are my favorite. They were so perfect. They looked so much like Kaylee's feet.

Day 20

If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?


Anger......


If my rant about Hypnobabies was any indication, yes, I have anger. I can't exactly pinpoint yet exactly what I am angry about, but I am NOT angry at God. That is surprising, because it is the most common thing/person for a grieving person to be angry about/at. 


My anger comes and goes, and when it is here it is overwhelming and actually a bit scary for me. I never knew I could be that angry. Angry enough to want to just scream. Angry enough to run 3 miles straight (couldn't walk very well after that one). Angry from the second I wake up until I either work it out of me, or until I go to bed, or cry. Angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. So Angry that I worry myself and my husband. Angry enough to consider PTSD. 


The angry days seem to be lessening. Well, until this week that is. I have been angry off and on this week, but not for a whole day yet. Just so my family doesn't worry, I have been very good at keeping my anger to myself. I don't know if that is the healthiest way to deal with it, but I am careful to not let Kaylee feel my anger. Yes, my patience is a bit shorter on those days, but I don't get angry with her. I make a conscious effort to keep her "safe" from my anger.

Day 19

What is your happiest memory of your Angel?


My happy memories of Cadence are of before that last, horrible, ultrasound. I loved being pregnant with her. Lol, I love being pregnant period! As stressful as it was worrying every month that she hadn't grown enough, or that something would be found to be wrong with her heart, or wondering if she had Down syndrome, I loved it. After that ultrasound, the memories are ones I wish were different.

Day 18

Have you found something that puts you at peace?


This is a hard one because, most of the time, I feel like I AM at peace. When I do feel like I am starting to spiral down into wallowing in the grief, I get active. Running has been wonderful for me during all of this. Some days, I have to almost force myself out the door because I know that once I get moving I will feel better. Exercise and sunshine is good for the soul!

Day 17

Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Yes! Actually, not as much as I did that first month, but I think she was staying especially close that first month as we prepared to go to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family. There were days back then when her presence was almost overwhelming she was so close. It was like that when I was pregnant with her. Her spirit was SO strong. I knew she was going to be someone very special. That spirit was so strong in the hospital and for weeks afterwords, that I felt like she was still here with me.


I feel her the closest at the temple. She is always there with me when I go. I feel her close when I am in her room, looking at her pictures, or sitting quietly remembering her. When I start to feel down and start wallowing in the grief and the 'un-fairness" of it all I feel her come to comfort me. I think she knows this is hard on us, and doesn't want me to be alone in grieving for her.


When we moved her on Saturday she was very close the whole day. In general though she hasn't been as close lately as she was before. It is sad, but I feel that she had things she is doing in heaven that are so important that she couldn't stay here on earth to be with us.

Day 16

Do you take time for yourself?

I do!! I have always tried to make time for myself once a week or so, and Robert is always wonderful about watching Kaylee while I do whatever. Mostly it has been dog agility and girls nights with my friends. Robert gets time for himself as well, and I think we are both better parents and spouses because of it.

Since Cadence was born I have been super motivated to get my body in better shape. Having people ask if you are pregnant just days after having to delivery your stillborn daughter is enough motivation for ANYONE to exercise and lose weight. Most days I exercise with Kaylee right along side of me. Sometimes I do it while she is sleeping, but mostly when she is awake. Kaylee LOVES when I jog with her in the stroller, so it makes it easier for me. I don't know how much I would run if she still hated her stroller like she did as a baby. So exercise has been a HUGE part of me taking time for myself.

Day 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

Today was a wonderful day! We had already picked today to move Cadence to a closer cemetery when I found out it was awareness day. Yes, I said move her.

When we buried her, we were thinking of moving her eventually once we had the money to buy 3 plots in a cemetery of our choice. The cemetery closest to us is not maintained, and wasn't selling plots when we first looked. About a week after her burial we were contacted by the cemetery sexton where she was buried. He had a friend who just happened to own 4 plots in our local cemetery that he didn't want anymore. They were offered to us for FREE and we accepted. The only stipulation was that we keep the plots looking nice. Like I said, the cemetery is not maintained.

This is what the cemetery looks like:

Many of the family spaces are surrounded by fences like this.

Finally, we set a date to move her. We wanted to do it immediately because her casket wasn't going to last long. It was just a wooden box made by my uncle, rather than the vault type casket most people are buried in.. That day was today, and I was super nervous about it. We were told that we could move the casket ourselves and that there wouldn't be a cost besides the opening of the grave in the new cemetery.

When we got to the new cemetery, there were TONS of people there. I didn't know what to think at first, but then it became apparent that they were there doing maintenance on the cemetery grounds!

You can see all the people and cars in the back of this picture! There were SO many people there.

Notice how all the long dead grasses are cut? That is mostly what they were doing, along with cutting down some of the dead trees, and trimming other trees. It was a youth group from our church, and I couldn't thank them enough. I hope some day they will realize what a huge service they did for the families of this cemetery. One of the leaders happened to be an angel mama herself, and she came over to give us hugs and support.

It was oddly peaceful and healing to bury her in her spot. It was much more peaceful for me than where we put her in Taylorsville. I think it is because she is so much closer to us now. She is surrounded by older graves, and some newer ones too. There are two little angel boys buried in a family section right behind her. I shared her flowers with them, and will probably continue to bring them some flowers sometimes.

Cadence's little spot looks so bare and lonely now. I can't wait to get some flowers planted and her headstone put in. We are hoping that happens before Memorial Day next year. We just have to find the $$$ somewhere so we can get it done the way we want.

Cadence's Spot

After the re-burial, we rushed to get ready for Robert's Birthday BBQ at our house. The party was wonderful and ended right before 7:00.

At 7:00 we lit a little purple candle in remembrance of Cadence. I was thinking of taking it up to put on her grave, but I have a little issue with cemetery's at night. Something I am going to have to get over if we are going to release lanterns on her angelversary.

Mostly, I just missed her all day. It was so wonderful to feel her spirit so close for much of the day. It has been a while since I felt her around for an entire day. She must have known it was a special day for angel babies.

Day 14

What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I haven't done much yet in preserving the mementos we have from the hospital, they are sitting in her crib with the pictures from her funeral. I would like to make a scrapbook, get a new box for her clothes from the hospital, and mount her hand and foot molds somehow.

All her things

her hand and foot mold boxes, box of other mementos, and a tiny cloth diaper made for me by a women online.

Her baby book.....that I haven't opened since she was born.

I would eventually like to have a shelf somewhere to display some little remembrances of her. For now, her room and crib work just fine.

Day 13

Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?

Robert and I freely talk about Cadence, and we both use her name. I really haven't taken notice too much whether or not other people say her name. I am usually the one to bring her up in conversations, but I haven't really cared if people say her actual name or not. Hopefully that doesn't change.

Day 12

How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

There is a wide range of thoughts that were brought up with this question. First was, I don't know! I don't hesitate to bring Cadence up when I am around my family's, but we don't talk about the grief Robert and I are going through either. I can imagine that losing a future granddaughter, niece, and great-niece has been rough on them.

There are little things I have noticed when talking about Cadence. I have learned that not everyone wants, or is ready to look at pictures of our little angel. I understand also that most people have no idea what to say in this kind of situation. People don't want to trigger an intense emotional reaction from the parents.

One thing I am afraid of is that my family's will start pretending that it didn't happen.

Daniel, if you read this, I am really sorry we didn't get a picture of you holding Cadence! I wish we had.