Day 31

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your angel and your grief?

Yes I do. I am not sure if my family and friends have been reading my blog much this month, but am happy I had the opportunity to write about her. It will be interesting to look back and see how my thoughts and feelings change as my grief process progresses.

I love you Cadence! I am so happy to have dedicated 31 days of this blog to you!

Pumpkin Carving

I have to admit, I absolutely LOVE carving pumpkins! It has gotten more and more enjoyable every year. Kaylee was much more interested in what was going on with the pumpkins this year, and Robert did a great job helping her with her pumpkin.

She didn't quite have the desire to put her hand inside her slimy pumpkin

But she liked dumping the seeds into the bowl one spoonful at a time

Kaylee and Robert with his pumpkin

After three good hours of carving (Kaylee went to bed after one) we were finished with all four pumpkins.

They were awesome!

Kaylee's, Mine, Cadence's, and Robert's

Robert's

Mine! I am SO happy it turned out the way it did. I am thinking of adding the symbols for the other two books onto this same pumpkin.....or I might have to go get two more pumpkins.

Kaylee's - When asked what kind of face she wanted on her pumpkin she replied "smiley face"

Cadence's - Butterfly #1

Butterfly #2

All 4 in the dark.

I am excited for trick-or-treating tomorrow night. I hope Kaylee loves it!

Day 30

How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

I am going to meet up with a bunch of angel mamas next week. We are planning to make Christmas ornaments for our angels, and memory boxes to be given to new angel moms over the holidays.

My plan is to decorate Cadence's spot with a little Christmas tree, some other things. I haven't decided yet what. I would like to get one of these angel ornaments for our tree:

We traditionally get an ornament every year representing something major that happened that year.....losing Cadence is about as major as it gets. I also want to get an ornament of the temple we were sealed in as a family. Something like this:

As for the start of a new year, I am hoping it will be an amazing year. There is nothing I can do to prepare other than stay strong, and be the best wife and mom I can be!

Day 29

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your Angel is? Will you see each other again?

She is in heaven with our Heavenly Father. For reasons I wont go into on this blog I feel that her spirit wasn't supposed to be part of our earthly family right now. I do believe she is part of our spiritual family, however that may work out in the next life.

I will see her again! That is one thing that has made this grieving process "easier" for me. I KNOW, without a doubt, that I will get to see my little girl again. She will be with me for eternity, and I can't wait for that. As much as I miss her, she will be with us forever!

Day 28

Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

I can think of one instance in particular when I wanted to "correct" someone. Kaylee and I were at the park and just as we were preparing to leave a mother and her two children (one of whom had Down syndrome) arrived at the park. We walked past them as we left and the mother gave us a dirty look and said "I hope you aren't leaving because of my son (the one with Down Syndrome)!" I was SO hurt!! I wanted to scream at her that I wasn't judging her son because I had had a daughter with Down syndrome, only she wasn't born alive! Luckily I didn't, because it would have caused hurt feelings and I probably wouldn't have been very nice about it.

Day 27

Share a picture.

Happy to!!

This is the first un-edited one I have shared, I think.

Day 26

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?


Today was a 9 or 10 day! Kaylee and I are in the middle of potty training, so that kept my mind pretty busy.

Day 25

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?


I think I have actually handled them pretty well so far. I thought the one month anniversary was going to be really hard. I was at a dog agility trial (competition), around a bunch of people who knew I had been pregnant. Luckily, I only had to explain a couple times what had happened, and it ended up being a good day with only a few tears.


Hopefully her anniversaries continue to be days when I can think of her, and be happy for the small amount of time she was in our lives.

Day 24

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

The only anniversaries I have had so far are every 3rd of the month, and her due date. It reminds me how old Cadence would have been. We are coming up on 3 months, and that seems crazy. I don't really prepare for them, but I am conscious of the fact that they are coming up. I am sure I will prepare somehow for her Angelversary next August, as hard as that might be. Her due date will always be a happy day! That will forever be the day we became an eternal family.

Day 23

Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?


One thing is too hard. There are So many things......

• I wouldn't have gotten the epidural
• I wouldn't have been so hesitant around her
• I would have remembered look for any birth marks. Robert says he did, but I wish I had too
• I would have taken a picture of Cadence with my little brother
• I would have taken more pictures in general
• I would have kept the little tiny "too small" cloth diaper I made in my purse so I could have put it on her rather than a paper diaper. I am surprised how much it bothers me that she is in a disposable diaper.
• I would have kissed her more
• I would have kept her in the room with us longer
• I would have had Heidi, our NILMDTS photographer, take about a million more pictures. There will never be enough of those!

Day 22

Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your Angel


Both of the songs we used with her slideshow will always remind me of Cadence. 



"I'll see you again" by Westlife



"The Prayer" sung by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli
HERE is another video of "The Prayer" in the video description you can read the full English lyrics.

Day 21

Is there something about your angel that brings a smile to your face?

Her pictures. I love looking at the pictures we have of her, before and after her birth. They remind me of how special her little spirit is.

Her feet are my favorite. They were so perfect. They looked so much like Kaylee's feet.

Ugh.

Apparently, I gained 3 pounds this past week? Don't know how that one happened.

Day 20

If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?


Anger......


If my rant about Hypnobabies was any indication, yes, I have anger. I can't exactly pinpoint yet exactly what I am angry about, but I am NOT angry at God. That is surprising, because it is the most common thing/person for a grieving person to be angry about/at. 


My anger comes and goes, and when it is here it is overwhelming and actually a bit scary for me. I never knew I could be that angry. Angry enough to want to just scream. Angry enough to run 3 miles straight (couldn't walk very well after that one). Angry from the second I wake up until I either work it out of me, or until I go to bed, or cry. Angry at nothing and everything all at the same time. So Angry that I worry myself and my husband. Angry enough to consider PTSD. 


The angry days seem to be lessening. Well, until this week that is. I have been angry off and on this week, but not for a whole day yet. Just so my family doesn't worry, I have been very good at keeping my anger to myself. I don't know if that is the healthiest way to deal with it, but I am careful to not let Kaylee feel my anger. Yes, my patience is a bit shorter on those days, but I don't get angry with her. I make a conscious effort to keep her "safe" from my anger.

Day 19

What is your happiest memory of your Angel?


My happy memories of Cadence are of before that last, horrible, ultrasound. I loved being pregnant with her. Lol, I love being pregnant period! As stressful as it was worrying every month that she hadn't grown enough, or that something would be found to be wrong with her heart, or wondering if she had Down syndrome, I loved it. After that ultrasound, the memories are ones I wish were different.

Day 18

Have you found something that puts you at peace?


This is a hard one because, most of the time, I feel like I AM at peace. When I do feel like I am starting to spiral down into wallowing in the grief, I get active. Running has been wonderful for me during all of this. Some days, I have to almost force myself out the door because I know that once I get moving I will feel better. Exercise and sunshine is good for the soul!

Day 17

Do you feel your child is watching over you?

Yes! Actually, not as much as I did that first month, but I think she was staying especially close that first month as we prepared to go to the temple to be sealed as an eternal family. There were days back then when her presence was almost overwhelming she was so close. It was like that when I was pregnant with her. Her spirit was SO strong. I knew she was going to be someone very special. That spirit was so strong in the hospital and for weeks afterwords, that I felt like she was still here with me.


I feel her the closest at the temple. She is always there with me when I go. I feel her close when I am in her room, looking at her pictures, or sitting quietly remembering her. When I start to feel down and start wallowing in the grief and the 'un-fairness" of it all I feel her come to comfort me. I think she knows this is hard on us, and doesn't want me to be alone in grieving for her.


When we moved her on Saturday she was very close the whole day. In general though she hasn't been as close lately as she was before. It is sad, but I feel that she had things she is doing in heaven that are so important that she couldn't stay here on earth to be with us.

Day 16

Do you take time for yourself?

I do!! I have always tried to make time for myself once a week or so, and Robert is always wonderful about watching Kaylee while I do whatever. Mostly it has been dog agility and girls nights with my friends. Robert gets time for himself as well, and I think we are both better parents and spouses because of it.

Since Cadence was born I have been super motivated to get my body in better shape. Having people ask if you are pregnant just days after having to delivery your stillborn daughter is enough motivation for ANYONE to exercise and lose weight. Most days I exercise with Kaylee right along side of me. Sometimes I do it while she is sleeping, but mostly when she is awake. Kaylee LOVES when I jog with her in the stroller, so it makes it easier for me. I don't know how much I would run if she still hated her stroller like she did as a baby. So exercise has been a HUGE part of me taking time for myself.

Day 15

Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

Today was a wonderful day! We had already picked today to move Cadence to a closer cemetery when I found out it was awareness day. Yes, I said move her.

When we buried her, we were thinking of moving her eventually once we had the money to buy 3 plots in a cemetery of our choice. The cemetery closest to us is not maintained, and wasn't selling plots when we first looked. About a week after her burial we were contacted by the cemetery sexton where she was buried. He had a friend who just happened to own 4 plots in our local cemetery that he didn't want anymore. They were offered to us for FREE and we accepted. The only stipulation was that we keep the plots looking nice. Like I said, the cemetery is not maintained.

This is what the cemetery looks like:

Many of the family spaces are surrounded by fences like this.

Finally, we set a date to move her. We wanted to do it immediately because her casket wasn't going to last long. It was just a wooden box made by my uncle, rather than the vault type casket most people are buried in.. That day was today, and I was super nervous about it. We were told that we could move the casket ourselves and that there wouldn't be a cost besides the opening of the grave in the new cemetery.

When we got to the new cemetery, there were TONS of people there. I didn't know what to think at first, but then it became apparent that they were there doing maintenance on the cemetery grounds!

You can see all the people and cars in the back of this picture! There were SO many people there.

Notice how all the long dead grasses are cut? That is mostly what they were doing, along with cutting down some of the dead trees, and trimming other trees. It was a youth group from our church, and I couldn't thank them enough. I hope some day they will realize what a huge service they did for the families of this cemetery. One of the leaders happened to be an angel mama herself, and she came over to give us hugs and support.

It was oddly peaceful and healing to bury her in her spot. It was much more peaceful for me than where we put her in Taylorsville. I think it is because she is so much closer to us now. She is surrounded by older graves, and some newer ones too. There are two little angel boys buried in a family section right behind her. I shared her flowers with them, and will probably continue to bring them some flowers sometimes.

Cadence's little spot looks so bare and lonely now. I can't wait to get some flowers planted and her headstone put in. We are hoping that happens before Memorial Day next year. We just have to find the $$$ somewhere so we can get it done the way we want.

Cadence's Spot

After the re-burial, we rushed to get ready for Robert's Birthday BBQ at our house. The party was wonderful and ended right before 7:00.

At 7:00 we lit a little purple candle in remembrance of Cadence. I was thinking of taking it up to put on her grave, but I have a little issue with cemetery's at night. Something I am going to have to get over if we are going to release lanterns on her angelversary.

Mostly, I just missed her all day. It was so wonderful to feel her spirit so close for much of the day. It has been a while since I felt her around for an entire day. She must have known it was a special day for angel babies.

Day 14

What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I haven't done much yet in preserving the mementos we have from the hospital, they are sitting in her crib with the pictures from her funeral. I would like to make a scrapbook, get a new box for her clothes from the hospital, and mount her hand and foot molds somehow.

All her things

her hand and foot mold boxes, box of other mementos, and a tiny cloth diaper made for me by a women online.

Her baby book.....that I haven't opened since she was born.

I would eventually like to have a shelf somewhere to display some little remembrances of her. For now, her room and crib work just fine.

Day 13

Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?

Robert and I freely talk about Cadence, and we both use her name. I really haven't taken notice too much whether or not other people say her name. I am usually the one to bring her up in conversations, but I haven't really cared if people say her actual name or not. Hopefully that doesn't change.

TEN!!

I did it!! I lost 10 whole pounds! It took me almost two months, but I did it! Actually I have lost 11, but who is counting?

That means since I last posted about weight loss I have lost 3.4 pounds!

I have been running a bunch and trying to avoid shin splints at the same time. I am always having to remind myself that it takes a long to build up the strength in the muscles needed for longer distance running.

In between my running days I have been having a hard time being consistent in what I do. Most day I still walk the dogs for an hour. Some days I add Pilates, 30 day shred, Yoga, or P90X to my walking. I need to come up with a solid schedule of what I am going to do so I don't have to decide every day what I am going to do.

With winter coming up, I have been trying to decide what I want to do. I really don't like running on the treadmill, but I can't run in my VFF's in the snow....I will lose toes. Some of the alternative options I have come up with are:

• Find an indoor track that will let me bring my stroller - This would be the ideal option!
• Get a gym membership and just deal with treadmill running for the winter
• Get a gym membership and do swimming, classes, and weight training instead of running
• Put a hold on my running until spring and focus on strength/weight loss
• Find an alternative minimalist running shoe that will keep my feet warm and dry while running
• Switch back to running in tennis shoes - Haha, not likely!

I want to start P90X soon. I think I need a little more preparation physically first though. One thing I think I might do is start and finish the 30 day shred (all 3 levels in 30 days) and then start P90X. If I am going to reach my goal of weighing 150lbs by the end of the year, I need to get on it!

As for my diet. I have been trying really hard to eat healthy choices. I track my calories in and calories burnt. Some days though, it is just tough. I need to find some really tasty healthy recipes that wont cost me an arm and a leg to buy ingredients for. One that I tried the other day that was super yummy is:

Baked Lemon Chicken

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons butter, melted
• 2 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1 garlic clove, minced
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon pepper
• 1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs
• 4 (4 ounce) boneless, skinless chicken breast halves

Directions

1. In a shallow dish, combine the butter, lemon juice, garlic, salt and pepper. Place bread crumbs in another dish. Dip chicken in butter mixture, then coat with crumbs.
2. Place in a greased 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking dish. Drizzle with remaining butter mixture. Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees F for 25-30 minutes or until juices run clear.
3. You can choose to double the butter and lemon juice and add 2 tablespoons of honey. Or drizzle honey over the chicken instead of the leftover butter mixture.

Day 12

How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

There is a wide range of thoughts that were brought up with this question. First was, I don't know! I don't hesitate to bring Cadence up when I am around my family's, but we don't talk about the grief Robert and I are going through either. I can imagine that losing a future granddaughter, niece, and great-niece has been rough on them.

There are little things I have noticed when talking about Cadence. I have learned that not everyone wants, or is ready to look at pictures of our little angel. I understand also that most people have no idea what to say in this kind of situation. People don't want to trigger an intense emotional reaction from the parents.

One thing I am afraid of is that my family's will start pretending that it didn't happen.

Daniel, if you read this, I am really sorry we didn't get a picture of you holding Cadence! I wish we had.

Day 11

It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

These questions keep getting tougher to answer!

When I read today's question, I realized that Robert and I don't talk about how we are grieving much. Maybe that is ok for us, or maybe we are ignoring it.

We don't have a problem talking about Cadence and why we think she left or other particulars. We both seem to be accepting the loss pretty well, and have had a great amount of peace since the every beginning.

On the other hand we have basically agreed that as long as both of us are feeling like we are handling our grief ok we aren't going to talk about it. That may change with time, it may not.

The one, most important, thing we have agreed on is that we are not going to let this tear us apart as a couple or as a family. We are in it together.

The Gym and the Zoo

Robert and I took Kaylee on quite the adventure Saturday morning! We had been wanting to take her to the zoo for a while now and decided on Saturday.....then winter came to Utah. By Friday it was so cold that we decided we needed to do something else that day. Robert found The Little Gym so we decided we would do the free introductory class. I had taken Kaylee to one a while ago when she was still just crawling, so we figured she would have more fun this time.

It was great! I really wish their classes weren't so expensive so we could go every week.

Ack, I hate how little these turned out! Just click to enlarge them.

I had taken all the stuff we would need for the zoo to the little gym. The gym was really close to the zoo and it looked like it might turn out to be an weather day. It was!! We decided to go to the zoo even though it was cold.

Kaylee enjoyed it and I am glad we went. It was a bit cold, but we let Kaylee run around by herself a lot of the time so she stayed warm. Except her hands :( The poor girl needs to learn to wear gloves for more than 5 seconds!

We happened to get to the elephant exhibit just as they were finishing up a demonstration with the little baby elephant! It was fun to see the behaviors and tricks they have taught her to keep her safe and happy. She was even playing fetch with the handler's hat! The mom elephants were in a separate enclosure that was REALLY close to one of the walkways. When I went over by them one of the elephants started trying to reach me with her trunk! I swear it was only 2-3 feet away from me! It was really cool.

Kaylee rode on both the carousel (twice) and the zoo train. The bottom right photo in the collage is of her face on the train. She was pretty tired by then and wasn't super excited. The big cats were pretty active which was a first for me! They have always been hidden sleeping when I have been there. I love that they have 4 tigers now!

My favorites of the day were the elephants and giraffe(s) - not sure how that is said.

Many of the big elephant pictures are NOT zoomed at all. I was actually that close to her!

Day 10

If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

Kaylee doesn't really express yet if she remembers Cadence or not. She does sometimes point her out in the family picture, but she gets her name mixed up with Kaylee a lot. I am sure in a year or two she will figure it out.

She comes with me to visit Cadence at the cemetery, but mostly just runs around on the grass.

Day 9

If you have other children how has your loss affected them?

Kaylee is our other beautiful little princess. She doesn't understand what it is going on. She is only 2, so I am not surprised. When Cadence was born she was very wary of her. Probably because she didn't look like other babies Kaylee had seen. She got a little more brave when we showed her Cadence's little fingers and toes, but she never touched her. That is one thing I wish we could have gotten a picture of....her holding her little sister. She was just not comfortable enough to do that. She much more interested in her at the funeral home, but still wouldn't touch her.

You can see her hesitation in most of the pictures

Showing a little interest in Cadence's hand

The closest she got to actually touching her

I am actually looking forward to when she will begin to understand what happened. We talk to her about her sister Cadence and how she went back to heaven to live with Jesus. Sometimes when she asks to look at our family picture on the wall she will point out Cadence and say something about heaven and Jesus. I want her to always remember that she has a little sister who is living with Jesus and the angels in heaven.

Day 8

Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

Yes, actually I DO! I usually have one or two tough days per week, but for the most part I am doing well. Sometimes I wonder though if I am in denial about what causes my bad moods. I can have a whole week where I am generally in a bad mood that doesn't seem to have a cause. I don't think about her more, or focus on how awful it is that she isn't here with us, but I am just generally unpleasant. I wonder sometimes if it is my subconscious taking over the grieving for me.

Greatest Playground EVER!

That is Kaylee's opinion of this place anyways!

Haha, I got tricky with the camera and took a panoramic picture of the whole playground....well, now that I look at it it is most of it.

Kaylee LOVES playgrounds. I don't know if this is how all little children are, but she gets excited if we even drive by a playground in the car. She is learning that we can't play on every single one we pass, but just about jumps out of her car seat when she realizes we are stopping to play.

This is just one of three sets of stairs and slides.

The playground is one of the only places I can guarantee to get a picture of her smiling.

She is turning into a big girl who can climb up almost anything in the playground....still gives me a heart attack every time she chooses something other than the stairs.

The swings tend to be a point of conflict every time.

She desperately wants to be a big girl and swing by herself. This is the best she can manage so far.

The "baby" swing still gives her the giggles though, so I think she will survive until she is bigger.

The spider......oh, the spider.

A few weeks ago Robert smashed a spider as it ran across her bedroom floor. She can't stop talking about it. Once she saw the spider at the park she couldn't have cared less where we were. All she could talk about was the spider that daddy smashed with her blue cat in the hat book. So I couldn't help but take a picture of the thing.

These pictures are a miracle. Well, the fact that they made it onto the blog is a miracle. You see, I left our camera, with these pictures on it, at the park. This park is frequented by the Jr and High school students who skip class to do all sorts of "wonderfully educational" activities. I didn't realize my mistake until almost 2 hours later and when I rushed back it was gone. I was devastated. After freaking out a tiny bit, and praying a TON, I made a few fliers and put them up around the park and the schools.

By the next morning I was losing hope. Then my phone buzzed. I had missed a call from an unknown number and they had left a message. I literally did a happy dance as i listened to a wonderful old gentleman's voice say that he had found my camera and wanted to get it back to me. I was overjoyed! After just over 24 hrs I had our camera and pictures back in my hands. It was a miracle!